October 1998 - Chuckles - mailman3.cels.anl.gov

Humor? Defunitions
by Remy Evard 30 Oct '98

30 Oct '98

>The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any > word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or > changing one letter, and supply a new definition: > >Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of > obtaining sex. > >Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient > who doesn't get it. > >Impotience: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra > prescription. > >Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly. > >Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late. > >Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really > bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like > a serious bummer. > >Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they > come at you rapidly. > >Manufracture: to produce items which break after little use.

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Deep Thoughts
by Tom Morgan 28 Oct '98

28 Oct '98

_____________________________________________________________________ Deep Thoughts......by Dennis Miller Don't sweat the petty things and Don't pet the sweaty things. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap? And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"? If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong? If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide.... is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"? Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all? What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them? Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk? Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines? Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny? What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

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LINUX and Microsoft
by Bill Nickless 28 Oct '98

28 Oct '98

Forwarded-By: "William R. Sherman" <sherman(a)netcom.com> Folks: I just received this e-mail message on the New England area user's-group mailing list for Microsoft SQL Server. ------ Hi, I have been asked to look into the new operating system "LINUX" and what it might mean to our company. We are a software company and have been developing on MSSQL 6.5, Sybase 11 and Oracle 8. What I would like to know is will Microsoft be expanding its database over to the LINUX Operating system? What will Microsoft be doing anything about connectivity from this operating system? Has Microsoft done any research into this operating system? I have to admit to knowing very little about this system and any information you may be able to give me would be greatly appreciated. Thank [name charitably removed] -- Bill Sherman * sherman(a)netcom.com "Lives of quiet desperation can be very appealing." -Detective John Munch, "Homicide: Life on the Streets"

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Hillary and Chelsea
by Bill Nickless 28 Oct '98

28 Oct '98

Forwarded-By: Mark Hall <crunch(a)spimageworks.com> Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a mother/daughter talk. Hillary ask Chelsea, "You have been going to college for awhile now. Have you had sex yet?" Chelsea says, "Well, not according to Dad." -- "Life is short, but long enough to get what's coming to you."

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From AP: The Minnesota's governor's race
by Craig Stacey 27 Oct '98

27 Oct '98

Governor's Race Tightens - (STATEWIDE) -- With just a week to go before Minnesotans go to the polls, the race for governor is getting tighter. The latest poll shows Republican Norm Coleman with 35- percent, just ahead of D-F-L candidate Skip Humphrey at 34- percent. The Reform Party's Jesse Ventura continued to gain and was favored by 24-percent of those polled. The three will meet tonight in the Twin Cities in a debate sponsored by the League of Women Voters. ----- I just want to point out that in Minnesota, two prominent politicians (Coleman is the Mayor of capital city St. Paul, Skip Humphrey is a descendant of Hubert H Humphrey) are in danger of being defeated by former WWF wrestler Jesse "The Body" Ventura. This should make any of you who share my dislike of both Illinois gubernatorial candidates feel a little jealous. Why don't we have a WWF wrestler we can vote for?

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next generation unix operating system changes
by Gene Rackow 27 Oct '98

27 Oct '98

------- Forwarded Message From: ernest(a)pundit.cithep.caltech.edu (Ernest Prabhakar) Subject: UNIX for the PC Attribution: ME (original, with a little help from my friends) In order for UNIX(tm) to survive into the nineties, it must get rid of its intimidating commands and outmoded jargon, and become compatible with the existing standards of our day. To this end, our technicians have come up with a new version of UNIX, System VI, for use by the PC - that is, the "Politically Correct." Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes UTILITIES "man" pages are now called "person" pages. Similarly, "hangman" is now the "person_executed_by_an_oppressive_regime." To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the "cat" command is now merely "domestic_quadruped." To date, there has only been a UNIX command for "yes" - reflecting the male belief that women always mean yes, even when they say no. To address this imbalance, System VI adds a "no" command, along with a "-f[orce]" option which will crash the entire system if the "no" is ignored. The bias of the "mail" command is obvious, and it has been replaced by the more neutral "gendre" command. The "touch" command has been removed from the standard distribution due to its inappropriate use by high-level managers. "compress" has been replaced by the lightweight "feather" command. Thus, old information (such as that from Dead White European Males) should be archived via "tar" and "feather". The "more" command reflects the materialistic philosophy of the Reagan era. System VI uses the environmentally preferable "less" command. The biodegradable "KleeNeX" displaces the environmentally unfriendly "LaTeX". SHELL COMMANDS: To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the "kill" command has been renamed "euthanise." The "nice" command was historically used by privileged users to give themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to be "nice". In System VI, the "sue" command is used by unprivileged users to get for themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones. "history" has been completely rewritten, and is now called "herstory." "quota" can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and will be strictly enforced. The "abort()" function is now called "choice()." TERMINOLOGY >From now on, "rich text" will be more accurately referred to as "exploitive capitalist text". The term "daemons" is a Judeo-Christian pejorative. Such processes will now be known as "spiritual guides." There will no longer be a invidious distinction between "dumb" and "smart" terminals. All terminals are equally valuable. Traditionally, "normal video" (as opposed to "reverse video") was white on black. This implicitly condoned European colonialism, particularly with respect to people of African descent. UNIX System VI now uses "regressive video" to refer to white on black, while "progressive video" can be any color at all over a white background. For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of "root" and his "wheel" oligarchy. We have instituted a dictatorship of the users. All system administration functions will be handled by the People's Committee for Democratically Organizing the System (PC-DOS). No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to be "owned" by users. All files and processes will own themselves, and decided how (or whether) to respond to requests from users. The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window System. And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed "PC" - for Procreatively Challenged. ---- UNIX(tm) is a trademark of UNIX System Laboratories. Any similarty of names or attitudes to that of any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental. ------- End of Forwarded Message

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Fwd: Ben & Jerry's
by Stuart Martin 27 Oct '98

27 Oct '98

>> top ten names for Ben & Jerry's new presidential ice cream: >> >> ---------------------------------------------------------- >> 1. Impeach-Mint >> 2. Candy Pants >> 3. Hyperactive Nuts >> 4. Chilly Hillbilly Vanilla >> 5. Pantsachio >> 6. Subpoena Colada >> 7. Horny Bubba Crunch >> 8. Peppermint Fattie >> 9. Captain Cream >> 10. Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking - >> Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl

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Fwd: If Men Really Ruled The World
by Remy Evard 26 Oct '98

26 Oct '98

>>> If Men Really Ruled The World (from November 1998 issue of Maxim >>> magazine)* >>> Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your >>> call to her real number. >>> >>> Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable >>> response to "I love you." >>> >>> Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. >>> >>> When your girlfriend (wife) really needed to talk to you during the game, >>> she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a >>> time-out. >>> >>> Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "nice >>> hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it. >>> >>> Birth control would come in ale or lager. >>> >>> You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd >>> worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme." >>> >>> Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team >>> of your choice. >>> >>> The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. >>> >>> "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an >>> acceptable excuse for tardiness. >>> >>> At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out >>> your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into >>> your car like Fred Flintstone. >>> >>> It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned >>> helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. >>> >>> Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the >>> "public ugliness" ordinance. >>> >>> Tanks would be far easier to rent. >>> >>> Garbage would take itself out. >>> >>> Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps." >>> >>> Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your >>> wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" >>> >>> Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur >>> in leap years. >>> >>> On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go >>> drinking. Mother's Day, too. >>> >>> St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. >>> But it would be celebrated every month. >>> >>> "COPS" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the >>> pursuing cops. Or to the crooks. >>> >>> Two words: Ally McNaked. >>> >>> Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off >>> the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in >>> world history. >>> >>> The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the >>> losers. >>> >>> The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night >>> Football from a Different Camera Angle. >>> >>> It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you >>> returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. >>> >>> Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. >>> >>> When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded >>> with would actually reduce your fine. As in: >>> Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" >>> You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." >>> Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off." >>> >>> Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof." >>> >>> The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong. >>> >>> People would never talk about how fresh they felt. >>> >>> Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style. >>> >>> Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of >>> conversation. >> >> >

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Re: Fav Cartoon Character...
by Karen D. Toonen 24 Oct '98

24 Oct '98

> forwards removed Pick your favorite cartoon character from the list. After you do that, scroll down and read the evaluation of that choice. Which is your Favorite Character? 1) Tazmanian Devil 2) Tweety 3) Marvin the Martian 4) Scooby Doo 5) Daffy Duck 6) Peppe Le Pew 7) Sylvester 8) Speedy Gonzales 9) Bugs Bunny Please wait - Scroll down when you decide which one is your favorite. 1) Tazmanian Devil - You are wacky and Crazy!!! You Are the Center of attention at parties. You love Food and are always Causing Chaos. When you are on a date, you're the one that makes the 1st move. Love comes and goes for you. Can you Say *PlayeR*? 2) Tweety - aaaaw you're soo CUTE!! Everyone loves you 'cause you're so adorable physically and mentally. Face it, People are Jealous of you. Love is always there for you. You're the typical *Long-Relationship* Kinda person. You LOVE cuddling But P.D.A is not your style. If something goes wrong in relationships (Family, etc.) you always go to your friends for the advice. Tweety-Lovers are great listeners. 3) Marvin the Martian - You are DEFINITELY in control of your life. People say you're a *Control Freak. * You're the kind of person who is ALWAYS Paranoid with unimportant issues, But that's ok 'cause there is always someone there to relieve that paranoia. Love is very valuable to you. Relationships have been Hardships for you but just remember that you're in control. 4) Scooby Doo - Let's face it, people around you find you quite annoying sometimes. Whether it'd be the whining or nagging, but it's driving your friends crazy. If you have problems in life, just keep them on the *DL*. To get on the Positive side of things, you are very helpful and you love to solve mysteries and problems. Love is a condition far away from your mind. The best advice for Scooby Doo Lovers is to deal with your problems on your OWN. 5) Daffy Duck - You are annoying in this cute way. People love being around you because of your utter Goofiness. Making People Laugh is your specialty. Daffy Lovers think there is a soulmate out there for everyone. Love is something you haven't found deeply yet but your *soulmate* will be there, CLOSER than you think. 6) Peppe le Pew - You are the sweetest and most lovable person there is. Guys/Girls love being around your *Charmed* personality. When there is something you want, you will TRY to get it, No question about it, Peppe Lovers don't take NO for an answer. It's Hard to please you but it's very easy for you to please others with your endearing inner-self. Love is here for you and always will be. Not only talking about boyfriends-girlfriends, but Family or friends. If someone lets you down, there is always someone else that loves you and is there for you. I'd have to say that Peppe lovers are the luckiest. 7) Sylvester - You are very Fun-Loving and easy to please. People are always talking behind your back because of their utter jealousy. Laughing is what you do best. Crying comes once in a life time for you. You are very Unique in a good way. People wanna be like you and find you as a *Cool* person. Love is easy for you to find. Your motto would probably be "Smile". 8) Speedy Gonzales - You are ambitious and always heading for your goal. You are a very *Fast* thinker and intelligent. It's often Genetic in Speedy-Lovers. Love comes once in a lifetime, unfortunately, but you always have your family supporting you. For you, FAMILY always comes 1st. 9) Bugs Bunny - You are definitely the bestest friend a person can ever have. You're wise and always thinking of ideas. Bugs lovers have nothing to worry about in life cause you always have solutions for everything. Love is ALWAYS there for you. Fooling around is your specialty. The word Relationship is not in your dictionary meaning you are not a steady kind of person. Oh yeah, and you Love things that have to do with *SEX.*

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Adult Education (fwd)
by Tom Morgan 21 Oct '98

21 Oct '98

This one is a bit beyond what I usually resend, but after I picked myself off the floor, I decided to anyway --- and it *is* pretty even-handed. :-) _____________________________________________________________________ Subject: Adult Education (fwd) Adult Education Seminars SEMINARS FOR FEMALES (prepared and presented by males) 1. Elementary Map Reading 2. Crying and Law Enforcement 3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR 4. You CAN Go Shopping in Less than 4 Hours 5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast 6. The Seven Outfit Week 7. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine ("It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it") 8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions 9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights 10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed 11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water 12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament 13. Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You") 14. How to Earn Your Own Money 15. Gift giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good") 16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side 17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry 18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station 19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels. 20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy 21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too 22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out 23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock") 24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do" 25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House 26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man? SEMINARS FOR MALES (prepared and presented by females) 1. Combating Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut 4. How to Fill an Ice Tray 5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money 6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am 7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks") 8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception 9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook 10. How Not to Act Like a Jackass When You're Obviously Wrong 11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right 12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence 13. You: The Weaker Sex 14. Reasons to Give Flowers 15. How to Stay Awake in Public 16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the bathroom 17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb 18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try 19. The Morning Dilemma if ITs awake: Take a Shower 20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please 21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet") 22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms 23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull 24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost 25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependence 26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex 27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes 28. Mothers-in-Law: They are People Too 29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home 30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver 31. Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked") 32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works 33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting "Dude" From Your Vocabulary 34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary 35. Techniques for calling home Gerardo A. Salazar Herbario Nacional de Mexico, Departamento de Botanica, Instituto de Biologia, Universidad Nacional Autonoma de Mexico. Apartado Postal 70-367, 04510 Mexico, D.F. MEXICO. tel. (52-5) 622-9054 fax (52-5) 550-1760

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