>Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek
>-------------------------------------
>>>>Joke Category = Deep Thinking -- Rating = PG-13
>
>Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future"
>by HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997. Please
>keep this notice with the text if you forward it by e-mail.
>..........................................................
>
>There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy
>to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is
>an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not
>take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and sexuality
> of the average human being. Allow me to describe some
>of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.
>
>Medical Technology
>------------------
>On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that
>instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that
>sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends.
>They would sneak up behind you and seal your **ahem** shut
>as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty
>stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm
>happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.
>
>Transporter
>-----------
>It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across
>space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that
>you have to trust your co-worker to operate the transporter.
>These are the same people who won't add paper to the
>photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the
>last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter
>coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into walls,
>pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing
>for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their bodies.
>
>'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a
>hutch yesterday.' If I could beam things from one place to another,
>I'd never leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just
>start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders,
>and anything else I wanted right into my house. I'm fairly
>certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me,
>I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my
>walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place,
>pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's
>garage.
>
>If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what
>I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room
>during the commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie,
>and beam him back before anybody noticed. I'd never worry
>about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they got
>something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands.
>My neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture.
>And that's only after I had all the milk crates I would ever
>need for the rest of my life. There's only one thing that could
>keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the
>transporter: the holodeck.
>
>Holodeck
>--------
>For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek,
>the holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel
>just like the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the
>holodeck for recreation during breaks from work. This is
>somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the door
>and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be
>hard to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck,
>getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her
>simulated twin sister.
>
>Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't
>enough holodecks to go around, I'd get the names of
>all the people who had reservations ahead of me and
>beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it,
>but that's exactly why I'd need a massage.
>
>I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.
>
>Sex with Aliens
>---------------
>According to Star Trek, there are many alien races
>populated with creatures who would like to have sex
>with humans. This would open up a lot of anatomical
>possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard enough
>to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids.
>One wrong move and you're suddenly transported naked
>to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for who-knows-what.
>This could only add to performance anxiety. You would
>never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what
>moves would be a galactic-sized mistake.
>
> Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien
> -----------------------------------
>
> Me: May I touch that?
>
> Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a
> separate corporeal being that has been
> attached to my body for six hundred years.
>
> Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me
> have sex with it.
>
> Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred
> years ago.
>
>The best part about having sex with aliens, according to
>the Star Trek model, is that the alien always dies a tragic
>death soon afterward. I don't have to tell you how many
>problems that would solve. Realistically, the future won't
>be that convenient.
>
>Phasers
>-------
>I would love to have a device that would stun people into
>unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten
>times a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store,
>I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front
>of me at the theater, zap! On Star Trek, there are no penalties
>for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time.
>All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an alien
>entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in
>the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world
>where the 'alien possession' defense is credible.
>
>Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and
> I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed
> by an evil alien entity.
>
>Officer: Well, okay. Move along.
>
>I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes
>to stand under my bedroom window on the other side of
>the fence and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has
>employed the bold defense that he believes it might be
>another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing
>there looking at him barking only twenty feet away.
>In a situation like this, a phaser is really the best approach.
>I could squeeze off a clean shot through the willow
>tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it wouldn't
>disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could
>both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain
>that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor's dog,
>a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible.
>
>And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.
>
>Cyborgs
>-------
>Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100
>percent human. I like the thought of technology becoming
>part of my body. As a human, I am constantly running to
>the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal with some new
>household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might have an
>electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would
>save a lot of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept
>is a modular design, so you can add whatever tools you think
>you'd use most.
>
>I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time
>I looked at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd
>like that. I'd program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman,
>a little message would appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target
>Locked On.' It would also be great to have my computer built
>into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during useless periods
>of life, such as when people talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate
>a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I could
>amuse myself in my head all day long.
>
>I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a
>huge rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids
>would like it for the look. Adults would like it for its utility.
>Cyborg technology has something for everyone. So, unlike
>Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a cyborg.
>
>The only downside I can see is that when the human part
>dies and you're at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to
>claw its way out of the casket and slay all the mourners.
>But that risk can be minimized by saying you have an
>important business meeting, so you can't make it to the service.
>
>Shields
>-------
>I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time,
>especially around people who spit when they talk or get
>too close to my personal space. In fact, I'd probably need
>a shield quite a bit if I also had a phaser to play with.
>
>I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use
>to protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device
>for personal use. I could insult dangerous people without
>fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now
>have would be completely unnecessary in the future.
>On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.
>
> Shopping with Shields Up
> ------------------------
>
> Me: Ring this up for me, you
> unpleasant cretin.
>
> Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!
>
> Me: Try it. My shields are up.
>
> Saleswoman: Damn!
>
> Me: There's nothing you can do to
> harm me.
>
> Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like
> to open a charge account? Our interest
> rates are very reasonable.
>
> Me: Nice try.
>
>Long-Range Sensors
>------------------
>If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use
>them to scan for new signs of life. I think they would use
>them to avoid work. You could run a continuous scan for
>your boss and then quickly transport yourself out of the
>area when he came near. If your manager died in his office,
>you would know minutes before the authorities discovered
>him, and that means extra break time.
>
>Vulcan Death Grip
>-----------------
>Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there
>is no such thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek.
>But I wish there were. That would have come in handy
>many times. It would be easy to make the Vulcan Death
>Grip look like an accident.
>
>'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.' I think
>the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing
>other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high
>likelihood of getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip,
>it would be clean and virtually undetectable. Everybody
>would be killing people left and right. You wouldn't be
>able to have a decent conversation at the office over the
>sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most
>common sounds in corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I
>couldn't give you a bigger raise, but . . . erk!'
>
>And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.
>
>
