November 1998 - Chuckles - mailman3.cels.anl.gov

Fruitcake Recipe
by Remy Evard 30 Nov '98

30 Nov '98

> Fruitcake > > 1 cup water > 1 cup sugar > 4 large eggs > 2 cups dried fruit > 1 teaspoon baking soda > 1 teaspoon salt > 1 cup brown sugar > lemon juice > nuts > 1 gallon whiskey > > Sample the whiskey to check for quality. > Take a large bowl. > Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest > quality. > Pour 1 level cup and drink. > Repeat. > Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy > bowl. > Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. > Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. > Turn off the mixer. > Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried > fruit. > Mix on the turner. > If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a > drewscriver. > Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. > Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares. > Check the whiskey. > Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. > Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. > Grease the oven. > Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. > Don't forget to beat off the turner. > Throw the bowl out of the window. > Check the whiskey again. > Go to bed. > > Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?

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What gender is =your= computer ???
by Gordon D. Pusch 20 Nov '98

20 Nov '98

> << Computer Gender > > A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor, was very aware > that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered by > what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, > he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised > of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend > whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or > the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their > recommendation. > > The group of women reported that the computers should be > referred to in the masculine gender because: > > 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. > 2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. > 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the > time they ARE the problem. > 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had > waited a little longer you could have had a better model. > > The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be > referred to in the feminine gender because: > > 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. > 2. The native language they use to communicate with other > computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. > 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory > for later retrieval. > 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find > yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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Happy Friday
by Judy Beumer 20 Nov '98

20 Nov '98

>In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, >here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: >* On Sears hair dryer: >Do not use while sleeping. > >* On a bag of Fritos: >You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. > >* On a bar of Dial soap: >Directions: Use like regular soap. > >* Some Swann frozen dinners: >Serving suggestion: Defrost. > >* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: >Fits one head. > >* On Tesco's Tiramisu desert: >Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) > >* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: >Product will be hot after heating. > >* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: >Do not iron clothes on body. > >* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: >Do not drive car or operate machinery. > >* On Nytol (a sleep aid): >Warning: May cause drowsiness. > >* On a Korean kitchen knife: >Warning keep out of children. > >* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: >For indoor or outdoor use only. > >* On a Japanese food processor: >Not to be used for the other use. > >* On Sainsbury's Peanuts: >Warning: contains nuts. > >* On an American Airlines packet of nuts: >Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. > >* On a Swedish chainsaw: >Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. > >

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Aftermath of a couch patato
by David Gunter 19 Nov '98

19 Nov '98

I suppose this doesn't belong in on the chuckles list, but we don't yet have a twisted list, so... --david Dead Man Sits At Home For Five Years BONN (Reuters) - A dead German sat in front of his television set for five years, the lights on his Christmas tree flashing beside him, and none of his neighbors noticed. ``Someone said once that he had gone off to a home, I didn't ask any more,'' said Monika Majarres, who lived in the same Hamburg apartment building as Wolfgang Dircks, a divorced, disabled loner who died in 1993, aged 43. The two neighbors on his floor only moved in four years ago and had never seen Dircks, a former toolsmith who had reportedly threatened to whip anyone who asked after him. Other tenants in the building minded their own business. Bild newspaper said Thursday the dead man's letter box, which might have raised the alarm when it overflowed, had been emptied every now and then, though no one knows by whom. The landlords came knocking only after the bank account from which Dirck's rent and bills were paid ran dry. Beside the broken television set and the still twinkling tree they found his skeleton -- his TV listings magazine still on his lap and open on the page for December 5, 1993. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----

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Crisis: Please help!
by Judy Beumer 18 Nov '98

18 Nov '98

> ~~~ A Plea for Help! ~~~ > > > With the Christmas season approaching, please look into your heart > to help those in need. > > Hundreds of National Basketball Association basketball players in > our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure > salary level (Atrocious!) And, as if that weren't bad enough, they > will be deprived of pay for several weeks--possibly a whole year--as > a result of the current lock-out situation. But now, you can help! > For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the > cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help a basketball > player remain economically viable during his time of need. This > contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers the > yearly league minimum, ...but it's a start! > > Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a > basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation > spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven > hundred dollars is nothing more than two months rent or mortgage > payments. But to a basketball player, $700 will almost replace his > daily salary. > > Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to > buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a > new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio. > > > HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING? > > Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the > player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, > 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to > your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the > $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon > signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player > (unsigned-for a signed photo, please include an additional $50.00). > Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' > suffering. > > > HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING? > > Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND > who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't > know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home > via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for > unexpected expenses. > > > YES, I WANT TO HELP! > > I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My > preference is checked below: > > [ ] Starter > [ ] Reserve > [ ] Star (Higher cost) > [ ] Superstar (Much higher cost) > [ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost > of a specific team (Cheerleaders not included.)) > [ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me. > > Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for a > reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please > send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team > logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on > my lapel. > > Your Name: _______________________ > Telephone Number: _______________________ > Account Number: _______________________ Exp.Date:_______ > [ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover > Signature: _______________________ > > Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-900-2MUCH > now to enroll by phone. > > Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have > sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not > limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep > in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much > too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. > Contributions are not tax-deductible. > > >

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Sherlock Holmes
by Janet Sayre 17 Nov '98

17 Nov '98

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson - look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dumb ass. Some bastard has stolen our tent!"

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Talk about the right hand not knowing what the left is doing...
by Gordon D. Pusch 16 Nov '98

16 Nov '98

``...I work for an organization so secret, even *I* don't know what it's called...''

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stressING the COrrect sylLABle...
by Gordon D. Pusch 15 Nov '98

15 Nov '98

``...It's pronounced sub-MARINE-er --- a subMARiner is a less-than-competent sailor...''

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Puns to groan on...
by Gordon D. Pusch 13 Nov '98

13 Nov '98

Most of these are pretty old, but there's a couple of newbies in here... :-/ 1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. 3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter says, "Well, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise..." 5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. 6. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." 7. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication... 8. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 9. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of he work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc." 10. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him --- because even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp. 11. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. 12. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents...

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Fw: A quick joke
by Craig Stacey 10 Nov '98

10 Nov '98

>Short, sweet, and to the point... > >This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I just won >the lottery!" >She says, "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" >He replies, "I don't care...Just get the hell out!"

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