October 2001 - Chuckles - mailman3.cels.anl.gov

A Halloween Bedtime Story
by David Gunter 22 Oct '01

22 Oct '01

This is a stoy my father told me recently. It's humor is, well ... a father's humor is the only way I know to describe it. I don't recall if he ever told this one when I was younger, but it's of the same caliber. Of course back then when he started, we were fully expecting a true horror story and played right into it. I suppose that's the entertainment parents get from the whole bedtime-story deal. -david -- A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a....... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him. Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ... faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP.... BUMP.... He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. . However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man.... . Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. . With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything ... his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin. desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition.......and ....the coffin stops

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Got this from a list...
by David Gunter 18 Oct '01

18 Oct '01

...customized it for local flavor. No attribution given. -david Something I felt I ought to share. Yesterday I was on the El, traveling on the Blue Line. A man of Arabian appearance got off the train and I noticed that he had left his bag behind. I grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him at the top of the escalator and handed him back his bag. Though somewhat startled he was grateful to me and offered me a reward, but I refused. So he looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to me: "I can never repay your kindness sir, but I will try to with a word of advice for you. Stay away from Miller's Pub." I was mortified. "Is there going to be an attack?" I whispered. "No, sir" he whispered back "I went there yesterday evening...the food was crap and the dessert selection extremely limited."

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Bin-song sing along
by JP Navarro 11 Oct '01

11 Oct '01

If your browser doesn't launch Windows Media Player for you, I'm told you should be able to open the URL from Media Player directly. http://www.mcs.anl.gov/~navarro/misc/binsong.wma

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New In-flight Security Features
by Randy Hudson 09 Oct '01

09 Oct '01

>X-Sender: hudson(a)mail.keepandbeararms.com >X-Mailer: QUALCOMM Windows Eudora Version 5.1 >Date: Tue, 09 Oct 2001 07:42:52 -0500 >To: "RKBA List":;, Zul Noordin <darth_zul(a)yahoo.com>, > Randy Hudson <hudson(a)mcs.anl.gov>, > Julie Hudson <julie.hudson(a)acxiom.com>, > Pat Diya <patricia.diya(a)acxiom.com>, Randy Hudson > <hudson(a)mcs.anl.gov> >From: Randy Hudson <hudson(a)keepandbeararms.com> >Subject: New In-flight Security Features > > >from http://slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=21780&cid=2321737 > >Pre Flight Announcement, 2002 > >"Good Afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Northwest Flight 571, >service to Los Angeles continuing on to San >Diego. Before we take off, we'd like to acquaint you with some of the safety >features of this Boeing 767. You know >about the emergency exits, oxygen masks, floating seat cushions, and so on, >so we will not waste time with those. Consult the cards in your seat pocket >for information on all features of our aircraft. > >"Please do pay attention to the new security features. > >"In the event of midair terrorism, a panel will open alongside the window >seat, containing two lightweight automatic handguns. They are fully loaded, >and extra clips are available in velcro straps. As the flight attendants are >now demonstrating, to operate the pistol, simply draw back the slide and let >it fall forward, then aim by lining up the slot in the rear site with the >front site, centered on the middle of your targets torso. Depress the >trigger repeatedly to fire. The pistol holds 10 rounds; after the last the >slide will lock back. Depress the clip release button located above the grip >on the left side, remove the clip and slide a new one into place. Please be >careful of your field of fire, and continue firing until your target goes >down. > >"Your seats backs are equipped with kevlar armor, stay well down and aim >over the top or around the side. > >"Your flight attendants are all armed with compact submachine guns; please >follow their lead in directing fire. > >"If you feel you are unable to perform these duties, or are a conscientious >objector, please let our attentants know so >we can reseat you in the 'cowards rows' at the rear of the plane and not >bring you drinks or peanuts. > >"For your safety, the aisles are equipped with electrified strips and >computer controlled antipersonnel mines. For this >reason, please remain in your seats until the captain has signalled all clear. > >"Note that the area around the cockpit is cleared of seats and marked with >contrasting carpet. Under no circumstances >should you cross this barrier during flight, various automatic devices will >be activated to protect the cockpit. > >"The hatch in the floor at the back of the cabin is similarly marked and >should be avoided during flight. > >"Anyone creating a disturbance, caught tampering with the pistol cases or >smoke detectors in the lavatories will be apprehended and ejected via the >rear floor hatch. > >"Thank you, and have a pleasant flight. We know you have a choice when you >fly, and we thank you for choosing Northwest..." > > Randy.

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An Idea
by Tom Morgan 06 Oct '01

06 Oct '01

We haven't had much reason to laugh recently. Here's an idea from a cousin of a friend of mine. _____________________________________________________________________ Punishment for bin Laden Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release. Therefore, suggest we do neither. Let the SAS, Seals or whatever covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation. Then we return 'her' to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.

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and on the same subject
by tmorgan＠anl.gov 06 Oct '01

06 Oct '01

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Anti-terrorist shirt for geeks (fwd)
by Ray Loy 05 Oct '01

05 Oct '01

> Date: Wed, 3 Oct 2001 17:25:55 -0400 > Subject: Anti-terrorist shirt for geeks > > > http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/apparel/57b2.shtml

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