January 1999 - Chuckles - mailman3.cels.anl.gov

Y zero K Bug
by Tom Morgan 29 Jan '99

29 Jan '99

------- Forwarded Message [snip junk] Y zero K Bug Translated from the Latin Letter from Roma, January 18, 1 B.C. Dear Cassius: Are you still working on the Y-zero-K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and time has run out. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort out at the last minute. I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in some Consultants but they simply said that the abacus was not built for continuing downwards using minus BC, especially since only those crazy Arabs are using negative numbers. What a laugh. What is a negative number? Clearly it�s imaginary. The Consultants, as usual, charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. I hope we will not have to throw out all of our hardware tablets and start over. Microhard will make another fortune out of that. The money lenders are paranoid of course. They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. It's an ill wind....As for myself, I just can't see the sand in the hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the east working on this problem but, unfortunately, they will not arrive until it's all over. We have heard that all horses have been stabled for fear that they will run backwards and damage the chariots with a possible loss of lives. Some even say the world is coming to an end. Others say that the Gauls will attack and the galleys won't sail. A few of the centurions are gathering supplies and heading for caves in the hills. Anyway, we are still working on this bastard Y-zero-K problem. I will send you a parchment if anything further develops. If you have any ideas, please let me know. Plutorius - ------------------------------------------------------------------------ HOW DO I SUBSCRIBE? Just send a message to MarthaL(a)california.com saying SUBSCRIBE FUNNIES and giving your name. HOW DO I UNSUBSCRIBE? ditto -- but say UNSUBSCRIBE FUNNIES and giving your name. WHERE DO I SEND JOKES? MarthaL(a)california.com but send the funny LEGAL STUFF: With extremely rare exceptions, I am merely passing jokes on, and do not claim any copyright whatsoever. Where I know it, I try to give the joke�s ancestry. Enjoy these in the spirit of fun. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------- End of Forwarded Message

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Y2K bugs we'd like to see
by Matthew G. Szymanski 28 Jan '99

28 Jan '99

> January 1, 2000 > > Dear Valued Employee: > Re: Vacation Pay > > Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over > the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are > granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. > One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. > > Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your > next paycheck will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include > all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months. Sincerely, > > Automated Payroll Processing

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Clinton Body Count II
by Craig Stacey 28 Jan '99

28 Jan '99

>=================================================================== >[ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] >=================================================================== >[ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] >=================================================================== > > Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: > > [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White info(a)dailyprobe.com ] > > > January 27, 1999 > > >=================================================================== > > SPECIAL DAILY PROBE REPORT: > > THE CLINTON BODY COUNT > > HOW MANY MORE WILL HE MURDER > BEFORE WE STOP THIS MADMAN? > >=================================================================== > >WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - By now most everyone in America, if not the >entire world, has seen the document which has come to be known as >the "Clinton Body Count." This is a frightening list of upwards of >sixty people who have died under mysterious circumstances after >having had some interaction with William Jefferson Clinton. > >While an occasional headache or gastrointestinal distress could be >overlooked, there are simply too many people dropping like flies in >the wake of our President, and The Daily Probe refuses to overlook >this murder spree any longer. So we sent our investigative team, >TeamProbe, to find out what is going on across our great country. > >To our shock, TeamProbe found a large number of names which need to >be added to the infamous list, which we detail below. America, we >cannot allow this to continue! Write your local politicians and >demand that we throw this sexually-deviant, godless, immoral, bad >role model, spineless, marijuana-loving, saxophone-playing hillbilly >in the slammer where he belongs!! Even if he *is* a better >president than most of his predecessors. > > >Here are the additions to the "Clinton Body Count": > > >* Betty Lou Furbish, Nashville, TN -- This 6 year-old died suddenly > of an earache after refusing to listen to a story read by then- > Governor Clinton back in 1989. > >* Billy Wayne Coe, Stafford, TX -- Died of mysterious causes after > ingesting turpentine. Shook Clinton's hand at a rally in 1991. > >* Ralph Compton, Paris, TX -- Dallas businessman who died of > complications resulting from an ingrown toenail after defeating > the President in a game of golf in 1994. > >* Calvin Jones, Malibu CA -- Teenager who plummeted 230 feet over > the side of a cliff after his skateboard lost a wheel on the same > road the President's motorcade had traveled just a day earlier. > >* Miriam Wood, Battle Creek, MI -- Tourist sucked into the grave of > Alexander Hamilton when Hamilton's corpse first began to spin out > of control. > >* John Doe #1 -- Unidentified homeless man found along an Arkansas > roadway. In his pocket was found a single dollar bill with > Robert Rubin's signature on it. Rubin is Clinton's Secretary of > the Treasury. > >* Melissa Bleary, Phoenix, AZ -- Crushed by a glacier a mere three > years after calling Hillary Clinton's health plan "hog wash." > >* Ida Mae Jackson, Little Rock, AR -- The coroner rules that this > maid of a local Best Western Motel died of heat stroke after her > body was found stuffed into an industrial dryer in May of 1990. > Rumor has it that she bragged about having a towel with Governor > Clinton's "personal seal" on it. > >* Gary Lee Hagar, Fayetteville, AR -- Disappeared and was never > heard from again after the seat in an outhouse he was using gave > way in January of 1992. The outdoor toilet in question was on > the grounds of the Arkansas Governor's mansion. > >* Linda Satsuma, Washington, DC -- Died of acute revulsion after > she inhaled an entire cup of hot coffee into her lungs in April, > 1993. The incident occurred as the President jogged past her > with nothing supporting his genitalia under his shorts. > >* Kelly Roxanne May and Leanne Barrett, Jonesboro, AK -- These > roommates long suspected of having trysts with Governor Clinton > perished under suspicious circumstances after a tornado picked up > their trailer and flung it half a mile in 1990. What the > coroner's report fails to mention is that this occurred a full > two days BEFORE the beginning of tornado season. > >* Max Schraeder, Knoxville, TN -- Clinton impersonator who choked > to death on a Big Mac at a McDonald's in Greensboro, NC, in 1995 > -- just as he was doing a bit about Mr. Clinton's libido. > >* Leia Walker, Chevy Chase, MD -- Died from ingesting a lysteria > bacteria contaminated hot dog. Beat out Chelsea Clinton for > a ballet solo in 1993. > >* Getrude Waters, Omaha, NE -- Died of congestive heart failure at > the age of 108. Coroner inexplicably ruled she died of "natural > causes." Voted for George Bush in 1992. > >* Peter Frank, Hamburg, Germany -- Died January 21, 1918 from > influenza. Frank's brother, Fritz Frank, would go on to become > a prominent German politician, and a chief supporter of the > Clinton administration. > >* Simon Rabinovitch, New York, NY -- Died in a car accident June, > 1992, after leaving taping of Arsenio Hall show on which > candidate Clinton entertained the crowd with his "saxophone." > Suspicisouly, the autopsy NEVER CHECKED whether any poison gas > dispersed from Clinton's saxophone might have been the cause of > Rabinovitch's "accident." > >* Anwar Sin Gudfur, Katmandu, Nepal -- Died from injuries received > from runaway ox cart on January 17, 1998, the day of Clinton's > deposition testimony in the Paula Jones trial. > >* Eddie Hazel, Paterson, NJ -- Died December 23, 1992, of complic- > ations arising from liver failure. Lead guitarist, arguably main > creative force in both of Clinton's well-known funk bands, > Parliament and Funkadelic. > >* Leo Boecker, Fredrick, MI -- Died of meningitis in August, 1996. > Four years earlier, he made the unfortunate mistake of laughing > at a Clinton joke at a friend's house. > >* Hester Windicott, Washington, DC -- Died from a mysterious, in- > explicable skin rash and rattling cough. In 1997, she flipped > the bird to the Presidential motorcade when she and her shopping > cart were held up for fifteen minutes on 17th St. > >* Louis McKenzie, San Jose, CA -- Died of "self-inflicted" gunshot > wound from a bazooka. The lifelong NRA member was known by > friends and family members to be critical of Clinton's gun > control efforts. > >* Bowser, East Brunswick, NJ -- Golden retriever hit by a mail > truck in September, 1998, after having growled at his master's > TV during a broadcast of Clinton's grand jury testimony. > >* Marcia Lewellyn, Tulsa, OK -- Died of an allergic reaction to > polyester. Had never met Clinton, but was wearing a blue dress > from The Gap at the time of her death. > >* James B. Hardison, Tampa, FL -- Died of Sudden Infant Death > Syndrome at age 3 months in July, 1998. Father had publicly > expressed doubts as to whether Clinton was innocent of perjury > charges. > >* Louis Hampton, San Diego, CA -- Self-styled paparazzo who once > attempted to photograph Clinton while jogging. Died in hospital > of complications after being knocked down and trampled by several > secret service men. > >* Edward L. Paulson, Kansas City, MO -- Former White House janitor > during the Bush administration and first few months of the > Clinton administration. Claimed Vice President Gore took away > his favorite mop, insisting he use a cheaper one. Died in his > home of a broken heart in April, 1993. > >* Nearly the entire population of Slant Lick, TN, pop. 848, took > part in a mass suicide using doctored McDonald's shakes just > a week ago. The only survivor, a mayor's aide named Marlin > Batson, said, "During the State Of The Union Address, when he > mouthed, 'I Love You' to Hilary, it just pushed us over the > edge. We had to end the pain." > >* John F. Kennedy, Dallas, TX -- Met Bill Clinton at White House > reception in spring of 1963. Assassinated after announcing his > ambition to be the last two-term Democratic President of the 20th > century. At first there doesn't seem to be a connection, but JFK > was a president JUST LIKE Bill Clinton. He was linked to sexual > indiscretions JUST LIKE Bill Clinton. And the most damning piece > of evidence: close examination of pictures taken of the "grassy > knoll" in Dallas' Dealy Plaza on the day of JFK's assassination, > using an advanced scanning electron microscope, reveals the shape > of a young Bill Clinton "interviewing an intern" behind a bush. > >* Nicole Brown Simpson & Ron Goldman, Brentwood, CA -- Two Clinton > supporters mysteriously died on Sunday, June 12th, 1994, exactly > 327 days after Vince Foster was murdered. Despite repeated calls > from respected African-American community activist O.J. Simpson > for a nationwide search for the "real killers," Clinton crony > Janet Reno still refuses to appoint an independent counsel. > >* Arsenio Hall's career, Hollywood, CA -- Died 1992 after an > appearance by then-candidate Clinton. > >* Bill Maher, Hollywood, CA -- Host of the show, "Politically > Incorrect," Maher began to appear increasingly cadaverous during > the last few months of the show, and was finally revealed to be > an animatronic device provided by ABC partner Disney, Inc. To > this day, nobody knows what became of the real Maher, but it is > believed that he died as a result of writing numerous jokes about > Clinton and the impeachment proceedings. > >* Paul McCartney, Liverpool, UK -- Member of pop band "The Beatles." > Died and replaced with vat-grown clone after he discovered > Clinton hiding from the Draft in England in 1967. If you play > the inner track of The Beatles' "White Album" backwards twice, > you can clearly hear the words, "Clinton buried Paul." > >* Kenny McCormick, South Park, IN -- Oh my God! He killed Kenny! > > >Contributing reporters: Brian Jones, Tristan Fabriani, Dave Henry, >Davejames, Jeff Ammons, Jonathan Colan, Zach Garland, Brian Berry, >Jennifer Bieneman, Kermit Woodall, Lloyd Jacobson, Michelle Burke, >Alan Smithee, Mitch Patterson, Patrick Douglas Crispen, Perry >Friedman, Josh Robertson and Chris White. > >=================================================================== >[ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] >[ Copyright 1999, Chris White ] >[ --- --- --- --- ] >[ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] >[ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] >[ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] >=================================================================== >[ P R O B E I N F O ] >[ -------------------- ] >[ These commands can be sent to majordomo(a)gmbweb.com, with ] >[ the specified phrase on the *first* line of the message. ] >[ To subscribe: SUBSCRIBE DAILY-PROBE ] >[ To unsubscribe: UNSUBSCRIBE DAILY-PROBE ] >[ For submission guidelines: GET DAILY-PROBE WRITE ] >[ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] >[ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to flick(a)topfive.com ] >[ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chris(a)topfive.com ] >=================================================================== >[ This delivery powered by GMBweb, ] >[ the best Internet provider in the business, ] >[ http://www.gmbweb.com ] >=================================================================== >[ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] >=================================================================== > -- Craig Stacey | (630) 252-6596 | e-mail: stace(a)mcs.anl.gov .:. If I ever got to drive a 'Big Rig' truck, I think it would be fun to sleep in those back bunks, but I bet it would be even more fun to watch the truck careen driverless down the highway. (Kermit Woodall)

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Microsoft: The company that looks out for your own best interests
by David Gunter 27 Jan '99

27 Jan '99

The following isn't particularly funny, though it is a comedy of sorts. It's taken from http://dailynews.yahoo.com/headlines/ts/story.html?s=v/nm/19990127/ts/micros oft_1.html [Regarding the browser wars] In 1995, Microsoft Chief Executive Bill Gates and others set a goal of keeping Netscape away from the upcoming Windows 95 system. Maritz said that was important because Netscape's Web browser posed potential competition to the Windows operating system. The government alleges that Microsoft offered to divide the browser market with Netscape at a June 21, 1995, meeting. Under the proposal, Microsoft would get to make browsers for Windows 95 and Netscape would have what was left. Gates said that Microsoft might offer to invest in Netscape to help it make the decision. ---------- [Regarding Inel's software development] Intel developed software designed to make computers sing and dance, as some in the company put it. The software would be put on machines even before Windows was loaded and Microsoft saw that as a potential competition. A witness from Intel, Steven McGeady, testified earlier in the trial that Intel backed down and canceled the software under threats from Microsoft. Maritz [Microsoft's group vice president for platforms and applications, and the highest-ranking Microsoft executive to testify at the trial] insisted during his testimony that Microsoft had acted to stop Intel ``because we thought it might be against Intel's own interest.'' ``Aside from your natural human instinct to try to help Intel, did you have a Microsoft interest to try to stop Intel?'' asked Boies. ``Yes,'' replied McGeady. ``We didn't want software that was incompatible with Windows ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----

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anagrams
by Remy Evard 27 Jan '99

27 Jan '99

(This one bounced due to some scary headers. Resending. -r'm) >Subject: One more from the SHARE humor file >To: chuckles(a)mcs.anl.gov >Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1999 08:04:21 -0600 >From: "Nicholas T. Karonis" <karonis(a)olympus.cs.niu.edu> > >Anagrams > >Author: Charlie Lyman/Dallas/IBM Date: 01-22-99 03:07 PM >Post Type: Document >Categories: Tests >_______________________________________________________________________ >An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or >rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are >exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time >to waste or is deadly at Scrabble. The last one is too perfect to >believe. > >Dormitory Dirty Room > >Evangelist Evil's Agent > >Desperation A Rope Ends It > >The Morse Code Here Come Dots > >Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em > >Animosity Is No Amity > >Mother-in-law Woman Hitler :) > >Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's > >Alec Guinness Genuine Class > >Semolina Is No Meal > >The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet > >A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place > >The Earthquakes That Queer Shake > >Eleven plus two Twelve plus one > >Contradiction Accord not in it > >This one's truly amazing: > >To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in > the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." > >And the Anagram: > >"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent > hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten." > >And for the grand finale: > >"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." > Neil Armstrong > >The Anagram: >"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on > moon! On to Mars!" > > >Nope, one more! > >The following phrase is a perfect anagram to start the impeachment >trial: > >PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA > >It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter >only once) into: > >TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS > >----------------------------------- > >Not included in the list (for some reason): SPIRO AGNEW > > >/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ >Michael Stack e-mail: mstack(a)niu.edu > ear-mail: 1.815.753.9447 >Computer Center fax: 1.815.753.9252 >Northern Illinois University ftp: mstack.cso.niu.edu >DeKalb, IL 60115 url: http://mstack.cso.niu.edu/ >\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

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A certain degree of humor... :-/
by Gordon D. Pusch 25 Jan '99

25 Jan '99

* 65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night * 60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one) * 50 Miami residents turn on the heat * 45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts * 40 You can see your breath * Californians shiver uncontrollably * Minnesotans go swimming * 35 Italian cars don't start * 32 Water freezes * 30 You plan your vacation to Australia * 25 Ohio water freezes * Californians weep pitiably * Minnesotans eat ice cream * Canadians go swimming * 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless * New York City water freezes * Miami residents plan vacation further South * 15 French cars don't start * Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you * 10 You need jumper cables to get the car going * 5 American cars don't start * 0 Alaskans put on T-shirts * -10 German cars don't start * Eyes freeze shut when you blink * -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo * Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects * Miami residents cease to exist * -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you * Politicians actually do something about the homeless * Minnesotans shovel snow off roof * Japanese cars don't start * -25 Too cold to think * You need jumper cables to get the driver going * -30 You plan a two week hot bath * -40 Californians disappear * Minnesotans button top button * Canadians put on sweaters * Your car helps you plan your trip South * -50 Congressional hot air freezes * Alaskans close the bathroom window * -80 Hell freezes over * Polar bears move South * Vikings Fans order hot cocoa at the game * -90 politicians put their hands in their own pockets

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sweet and funny.
by Karen D. Toonen 25 Jan '99

25 Jan '99

Some time ago, a friend of mine punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight, and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the tree. Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found that the box was empty. He yelled at her, "Don't you know that when you give someone a present, there's supposed to be something inside of it?" The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "Oh, Daddy it's not empty. I blew kisses into the box. All for you, Daddy." The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged her forgiveness. My friend told me that he kept that gold box by his bed for years. Whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there. In a very real sense, each of us has been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold. ******************** A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator o n it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

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This just in
by Tom Morgan 25 Jan '99

25 Jan '99

------- Forwarded Message [snip junk] The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'." God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!" ------- End of Forwarded Message

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Intellectual InDUHvidualism
by David Gunter 22 Jan '99

22 Jan '99

>From todays obits comes the following: Chisholm...was a leading thinker in the branch of philosophy known as epistemology, or theory of knowledge. His 1957 book, titled ``Perceiving: A Philosophical Study,'' tackled a metaphysical issue that has been debated by philosophers for centuries - whether you can trust your senses to give you reliable knowledge of the outside world. A realist, Chisholm concluded that you can. Whew! I'll feel much better driving on the Chicago freeway to work now.

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Prayers Of The Stress Impaired
by Tom Morgan 21 Jan '99

21 Jan '99

------- Forwarded Message [snip junk] Prayers Of The Stress Impaired Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am e.s.t. God, help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive. God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault. God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me! Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right. God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing. God, give me patience, and I mean right NOW! Lord, help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?) God, help me to finish everything I star God, help me to keep my mind on one th-Look a bird-ing at a time. God, help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing? Lord, keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be. Lord, help me be less independent, but let me do it my way. Lord, help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes. Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo. ***Amen** ------- End of Forwarded Message

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