December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company
Christmas Party will take place on December
23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will
be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band
playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows
up dressed as Santa Claus to light the
Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees
can be done at that time; however, no gift should
be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
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December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to
exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah
is an important holiday that often coincides with
Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However,
from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating
Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and
no Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
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December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a
member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a
non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign
on the table that reads, "AA Only," you
won't be anonymous anymore. In addition,
forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will
be allowed since the union members feel that
$10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
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December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous
to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women
closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each
other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will
have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement
for the gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
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December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended
by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram
of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no
evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces
----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!!
We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you
like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest
from the "grill of death," as you put it, and
you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic
tomatoes.
But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream.
I'm hearing them right now... Ha!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk
and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
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December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty
Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll
continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the
meantime, management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon
of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
--
Craig Stacey :: Systems Administrator :: Math and Computer Science Division
stace(a)mcs.anl.gov :: (630) 252-6596 :: Fax (520) 222-2420
