March 1999 - Chuckles - mailman3.cels.anl.gov

(Fwd) Ruminations -- March 31, 1999
by Craig Stacey 31 Mar '99

31 Mar '99

[My favorite is the last one] Ruminations for March 4, 1999 -=++=- No man is an island, but every man has a peninsula. (Ken Anderson) -=++=- If Windows 95 and Windows 98 ever decide to start a rap group, I think they should go by the names Sir-Crash-A-Lot and DJ Restart. (Ben Gillihan) -=++=- I've recently discovered how to unite gravity with the strong and weak nuclear forces and the electromagnetic force. This finally completes the much sought-after Grand Unified Theory which confounded even Albert Einstein. But I'm not going to tell anybody what it is until somebody fixes my cable. (Charles Gulledge) -=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=--=*=--=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=- From the Ruminations Archives... Sometimes when I'm driving behind a big cement truck, I think of how the valve on the truck could suddenly open, spilling cement over my car, encasing me inside and leaving me to slowly fall into an oxygen-deprived coma, from which I awaken five years later to find my wife remarried to my best friend. But then I think maybe I'm just being paranoid, because what are the odds of *that* happening again? (LeMel Hebert-Williams) [ Ruminations is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 1999, Chris White ] [ R U M I N A T I O N S I N F O ] [ ------------------------------- ] [ Send your ruminations to: submit(a)ruminate.com. ] [ NOTE: We accept only 100% original, unpublished items. ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ These commands can be sent to majordomo(a)gmbweb.com, with ] [ the specified phrase on the *first* line of the message. ] [ To subscribe: SUBSCRIBE RUMINATIONS ] [ To unsubscribe: UNSUBSCRIBE RUMINATIONS ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ To kvetch at the owner: Send mail to top5(a)gmbweb.com ]

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Amazon
by Remy Evard 31 Mar '99

31 Mar '99

[Resending due to majordomo thinking it's a non-member submission and bouncing it to me. -r'm] >From: Justin Binns <z959930(a)wheat.farm.niu.edu> >To: chuckles(a)mcs.anl.gov >Subject: Amazon (fwd) > > An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself > surrounded by a blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon > surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh > God, I'm doomed." > > > There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms > out: "No my son, you are NOT doomed. Pick up that stone at > your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in > front of you." > > > So the explorer picks up the stone and attacks the chief, > feverishly bashing at his head with all his strength. He > stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and > surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their > faces. > > > The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . . NOW you're doomed."

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None
by Gordon D. Pusch 29 Mar '99

29 Mar '99

For a couple years now I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: we're tired because we are overworked. Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired, so that leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of these there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments, and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are about 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work: You and me --- And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes...

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Life is backwards
by David Gunter 26 Mar '99

26 Mar '99

This is from my father, in an actual mail - postal mail, on paper even. Needless to say, I have no idea where it's from. -david The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. Life is tough enough. It takes up a lot of your time. And what do you get at the end of it? DEATH! Personally, I think the life cycle is backwards. You should DIE first and get it out of the way. Then you live in an old folks' home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You then get a gold watch. You go to work. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to trade school, you become a kid and you play with no responsibilities. You become a little baby. Back into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating and then . . You finish off as an orgasm. -- David Gunter www.mcs.anl.gov/~gunter ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ E=MC^2.. I'm not fat! I'm energetic!

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Fwd: [Support Req #13999] ping
by Remy Evard 25 Mar '99

25 Mar '99

Yes, this is a systems req resent to chuckles... and it's a wonderful way to finish off the 13000s. The URL that Rusty is referring to is this: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0140502416/o/qid=922396372/sr=2-1/00… -r'm >To: systems >Subject: [Support Req #13999] ping >Date: Thu, 25 Mar 1999 15:06:47 -0600 >From: Rusty Lusk <lusk(a)mcs.anl.gov> >Cc: systems(a)mcs.anl.gov > >It is imperative that you go to amazon.com and search for "ping". Then read >the customer reviews of the book. You will not be disappointed. > >Rusty

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this is a test
by Gene Rackow 25 Mar '99

25 Mar '99

test

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cancerman
by Randy Hudson 25 Mar '99

25 Mar '99

"Life...is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So, you're stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while, there's a peanut butter cup, or an english toffee, but they're gone too fast, and the taste is...fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. And if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you've got left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers." The Smoking Man (I forget his name), X-Files. Randy. Randy Hudson rhudson(a)harper.uchicago.edu Web coordinates http://www.mcs.anl.gov/~hudson Argonne National Lab vox[mail]...630.252.8690 fax...630.252.5986

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Fwd: [[email protected]: joke for the day]
by Remy Evard 24 Mar '99

24 Mar '99

Based on that last message to mcs, this seems somewhat appropriate. (apologies if this hit chuckles before... I lost a few weeks of mail...) -r'm >> TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING >> AT YOUR DESK: >> >> 10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." >> >> 9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved >> about in that time management course you sent me to." >> >> 8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You >> probably got here just in time!" >> >> 7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission >> statement and envisioning a new paradigm." >> >> 6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." >> >> >> 5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve >> work related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people >> who practice Yoga?" >> >> 4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a >> solution to our biggest problem." >> >> 3. "The coffee machine is broken..." >> >> 2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." >> >>And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your >>desk... >> >> 1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen." >>

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A New Generation (fwd)
by joe bester 23 Mar '99

23 Mar '99

>A New Generation >-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- > >A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter: > >Mother: "What does the cow say?" > >Child: "Moooo!" > >Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" > >Child: "Meow." > >Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" > >The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and >replied, "Bud."

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Sys Admin humor
by David Gunter 23 Mar '99

23 Mar '99

I was unable to access the web page containing the Emacs for MS Windows distribution. The following is a reply I received from one of the sys admins there. (Note: I was attempting to reach them via my Ameritech.net account) It *could be* that we deny access to that from Ameritech hosts, because we don't like paying an extra quarter for calls from a pay phone over five minutes after paying the already extortionate $.35 for the first five. But *in fact*, it's because the file system is being backed up that the moment. So even PacBell hosts can't get to it until ater in the day. Sorry for the inconvenience. And you know, if it really was the case that they blocked Ameritech, I really couldn't blame them. -david

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