March 2000 - Chuckles - mailman3.cels.anl.gov

FW: Are you satisfied with your salary. A survey
by Gomberg, Michail 31 Mar '00

31 Mar '00

-----Original Message----- From: Shekhawat, Anupam Sent: Thursday, March 30, 2000 4:25 PM To: Gomberg, Michail; Chong, Chang; Kogan, Mikhail Subject: Are you satisfied with your salary. A survey

1 0

Engineering jokes
by Ti Leggett 24 Mar '00

24 Mar '00

***************************** Comprehending Engineers - Take One ***************************** Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." "The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." ***************************** Comprehending Engineers - Take Two ***************************** To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. ******************************* Comprehending Engineers-Take Three ******************************* A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" ******************************* Comprehending Engineers-Take Four ******************************* There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace. ***************************** Comprehending Engineers-Take Five ***************************** What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets. ***************************** Comprehending Engineers-Take Six ***************************** Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" ***************************** Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven ***************************** "Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." ----- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle ***************************** Comprehending Engineers-TakeEight ***************************** An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done." ************************************** Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine ************************************** An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool." -Ti Leggett --leggett(a)mcs.anl.gov --leggett(a)eecs.tulane.edu

1 0

Microsoft and GM
by Jorge More' 22 Mar '00

22 Mar '00

At a recent Expo, computer guru Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the automotive industry, stating: "If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we'd all be driving $25.00 cars that would go 100 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following attributes: * For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day * Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. * Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. * Occasionally executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you would have to re-install the engine. * Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but it would only run on five percent of the roads. * The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light. * New seats would force everybody to have the same size butt. * The airbag system would say "Are you sure" before deploying. * Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn the key and grab hold of the radio antenna. * Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

1 0

Flying to Worcester
by Paul Hovland 22 Mar '00

22 Mar '00

For a good chuckle, go to MapQuest (http://www.mapquest.com) and pull up a map of Worcester, MA. Then, look at the list of "nearby airports" under "related maps" in the upper right hand corner. Last time I checked, Massachusetts wasn't in the midwest. Paul

1 0

Who Wants to Marry a Software Engineer?
by Remy Evard 21 Mar '00

21 Mar '00

>Date: Tue, 21 Mar 100 09:19:42 EST > >Hot on the heels of the success of the show, "Who Wants to Marry >a Multi-Millionaire?" welcome to "Who Wants to Marry a Software >Engineer?" Silicon Valley's newest game show. > >Here's your contestant questionnaire... > >1) What quality do you value most in your partner? > a) A sense of humor > b) Emotional maturity. > c) High bandwidth. > >2) When you get home at the end of the day, you like to: > a) Turn on the Silicon Valley Business report, and eat dinner. > b) Hook up to your ISP, and check out the hit count on your web page. > c) Recharge your cell phone, laptop, and wireless modem, change > batteries on your pager, and resynchronize your Palm Pilot and > home computer. > >3) Your ideal partner is: > a) Interesting and attractive. > b) Emotionally mature and understanding. > c) Extensible and polymorphic. > >4) In spiritually difficult times, you often turn to: > a) Dilbert > b) Kernighan and Ritchie > c) comp.lang.c++ > >5) If go over to your partner's place and think its a mess, you would: > a) Complain to him/her, and tell them to tidy up. > b) Call a maid service. > c) Make clean > >6) What kind of car would you like to buy next, and why? > a) A BMW, because people will see that I am rich and successful. > b) A Jeep, because it's youthful, rugged, and won't break down. > c) A Honda because the engine control computer can be hacked for > more horsepower. > >7) If your partner comes home from work complaining bitterly about his boss, > you will: > a) Give him a hug, pour him a drink, and tell him you love him. > b) Commiserate about how unfair managers can be. > c) Forge the boss's e-mail address, and subscribe him to 17 > pornography mailing lists. > >8) Name the 4 essential food groups: > a) Fruit, vegetables, meat, dairy. > b) Coffee, chocolate, takeout, ice cream. > c) rec.food.cooking, rec.food.veg, ba.food, alt.food.chocolate > >9) You like to travel with your partner because: > a) You share new experiences together. > b) You learn about each other in different situations. > c) You get more use out of your wireless modem. > >10) How would you describe your attitude towards religion? > a) "I'm not particularly religious." > b) "I believe in emacs, but can use vi." > c) "I think emacs can be configured as a full IDE." > >11) You think a relationship is ready for a permanent commitment because: > a) You've successfully struggled through several years of good and > bad times. > b) You're already living together, so you might as well tie the knot. > c) You finally got your local network configured just right. > >12) If you and your partner got married, you would want to: > a) Keep your last name. > b) Change your last name. > c) Combine your names with a hyphen. > d) Combine your names with an underscore. > >13) You and your partner think it's time to have children when: > a) Your stock options are vested. > b) You've agreed on the requirements and design. > c) You've come up with a good naming convention. > d) You really understand the use of multiple inheritance. > >------- End of forwarded message -------

1 0

demon-possessed PCs
by David Gunter 14 Mar '00

14 Mar '00

This is from a recent Register posting: (http://www.theregister.co.uk/) US preacher finds demon-possessed PCs Forget about viruses and malicious hackers; the real threat these days is far more insidious. Your home computer may be host to a demon, and you and your family may well come under its malevolent control, the Weekly World News reports. "While the Computer Age has ushered in many advances, it has also opened yet another door through which Lucifer and his minions can enter and corrupt men's souls," the paper quotes the Reverend Jim Peasboro, author of an upcoming book, The Devil in the Machine, as saying. Demons are able to possess anything with a brain, from a chicken to a human being. And today's thinking machines have enough space on their hard drives to accommodate Satan or his pals, the paper reports. Disk capacity is an issue, however. Only a PC built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an evil spirit, the minister explained. The Georgia clergyman says he became aware of the problem from counseling churchgoers. "I learned that many members of my congregation became in touch with a dark force whenever they used their computers," he said. "Decent, happily married family men were drawn irresistibly to pornographic Web sites and forced to witness unspeakable abominations. "Housewives who had never expressed an impure thought were entering Internet chat rooms and found themselves spewing foul, debasing language they would never use normally," he declared. "One woman wept as she confessed to me, 'I feel when I'm on the computer as if someone else or something else just takes over.'" The minister said he probed one such case, actually logging onto the parishioner's computer himself. To his horror, an artificial-intelligence program started spontaneously. "The program began talking directly to me, openly mocked me," he recalls. "It typed out, 'Preacher, you are a weakling and your God is a damn liar.'" Then the device went haywire and started printing out what looked like gobbledygook. "I later had an expert in dead languages examine the text," the minister said. "It turned out to be a stream of obscenities written in a 2,800-year-old Mesopotamian dialect!" The minister estimates that one in ten computers in America now hosts some type of evil spirit. The Reverend advises anyone suspecting that their computer is possessed to consult a clergyman, or, if the computer is still under warranty, to take it in for servicing. "Technicians can replace the hard drive and reinstall the software, getting rid of the wicked spirit permanently," he says. ï¿½

1 0

Children catching 'affluenza' in cash-rich Silicon Valley
by John-Paul Navarro 13 Mar '00

13 Mar '00

Children catching 'affluenza' in cash-rich Silicon Valley By Philip Delves Broughton in New York FAMILIES in California's impossibly-prosperous Silicon Valley are struggling with a new trauma - "sudden wealth syndrome" or "affluenza". The wealth generated by the internet and computer boom is inducing feelings of inadequacy among children whose families are not involved in the industry. For the super-rich, the problem lies in convincing their children that money is not the most important thing in life. Courses are now held at the Money, Meaning and Choices Institute in San Francisco, to "explore the psychological opportunities and emotional challenges of having and inheriting money". Merrill Lynch, the financial services company, offers a "financial parenting" course to "heighten awareness of wealth's responsibilities". In Palo Alto, the heart of Silicon Valley, a newsletter is published on the issue with the editor, Judy Barber, offering sessions for families to deal with "the unique issues that children of affluence face". Fathers are being advised not to brag about buying yachts and private planes but to emphasise to children the importance of luck and hard work in achieving success. The children of non-computer industry professionals, such as doctors and teachers, however, are said to be suffering. The Child and Family Institute in Menlo Park offers stress classes for pre-teen children and family discussions about values. Kris Goodrich, a co-founder, said the fear of failure has become pervasive. "Children look at the middle class as poverty and going to Hawaii only once a year is considered the bottom rung."

1 0

stories told by travel agents
by Tom Morgan 12 Mar '00

12 Mar '00

-------Forward The following are actual stories told by travel agents. ------------ I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!" ------------ I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. ------------ A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" ------------ I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in South Africa." Her response ... click. ------------ A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she wasn't even embarrassed. ------------ A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state." ------------ I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map." ------------ Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time." ------------ A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought it! ------------ A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT. I'm overweight -- is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' (I was, in fact, laughing), I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. ------------ I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them." ------------ A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever." ------------ A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express." ------------ A woman called to make reservations: "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York. The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

1 0

Twd: This one is worth reading...
by John-Paul Navarro 09 Mar '00

09 Mar '00

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question, which his son translated: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused. The NASA reps took the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

1 0

3 wishes
by Tom Morgan 07 Mar '00

07 Mar '00

------- Forwarded Message A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." ------- End of Forwarded Message

1 0