February 1999 - Chuckles - mailman3.cels.anl.gov

What _did_ he say, exactly ???
by Gordon D. Pusch 25 Feb '99

25 Feb '99

``...Why don't we all get back to our lies, er lives...'' -- (Alleged Fruedian slip attributed to B. Clinton)

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Absurdist QotD... :-/
by Gordon D. Pusch 25 Feb '99

25 Feb '99

``...Psychology has traditionally relied on the empirical study of two populations: American students, and laboratory rats. There are evident problems of representativeness...''

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1998 Darwin Awards
by Gordon D. Pusch 24 Feb '99

24 Feb '99

1998 DARWIN AWARD nominations: GRAVITY KILLS A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to Use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to Bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County (Virginia) police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week. LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY .. Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several-hundred-thousand-gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles and miles. They were launched, no doubt, countless thousands of feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats. DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT... A lawyer and two of his buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas. A lightning storm hit the lake and most of the fisherman immediately headed for the shore. But not our friend the lawyer. He was alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat and his buddies were in the front. This gentleman stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered [well, wouldn't you?]. The other two passengers on the boat survived and are said to have immediately joined the Ministry. CATCH! A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal, you may say, But there's a twist here that makes him a Darwin Award candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Award candidate) was hospitalized. THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU . . . Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone, more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time. GIMME A LIGHT! Several years ago, in a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition - lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers. Visit the Darwin Awards website at http://www.officialdarwinawards.com/ .

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[Fwd: FW: Good one]
by Randy Hudson 23 Feb '99

23 Feb '99

(Even if this isn't true, it's funny.) WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde. Randy. Randy Hudson rhudson(a)harper.uchicago.edu Web coordinates http://www.mcs.anl.gov/~hudson Argonne National Lab vox[mail]...630.252.8690 fax...630.252.5986

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Iraqi tv guide
by Remy Evard 22 Feb '99

22 Feb '99

>>IRAQI TV GUIDE >> >> >>MONDAY >> >>8:00 Husseinfeld >> >>8:30 Mad About Everything >> >>9:00 Suddenly Sanctions >> >>9:30 Allah McBeal >> >> >>TUESDAY >> >>8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror >> >>8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right >> >>9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things >> >>9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers >> >> >>WEDNESDAY >> >>8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer >> >>8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy >> >>9:00 Just Shoot Me >> >>9:30 Veilwatch >> >> >>THURSDAY >> >>8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi >> >>8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H >> >>9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black,Shapeless Dresses >> >>9:30 My Two Baghdads >> >> >>FRIDAY >> >>8:00 Judge Saddam >> >>8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things >> >>9:00 Achmed's Creek >> >>9:30 No-witness News

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[Fwd: Fw: The 95% Solution...]
by Judy Beumer 22 Feb '99

22 Feb '99

<excerpt><bold><fontfamily><param>Arial</param><smaller> </smaller></fontfamily></bold></excerpt><<<<<<<< >>>>The 95% Solution <excerpt><smaller>At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. They had a great time, however, after all the hearty drinking and partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than take the 100 point final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come to study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the Professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth only 5 points, something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem, and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire? </smaller> </excerpt><<<<<<<<

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Page me!
by Robert Olson 20 Feb '99

20 Feb '99

>From GCN: Pagers on attack. No, it�s not a new Fox television special. This story comes from the Ukraine, where a businessman reportedly bought 50 new pagers, one for each of his employees. While he was driving back to his office, all the pagers started going off. The chorus of beeps so surprised the man that he let go of the steering wheel and crashed into a post. He survived the crash without injury but was not amused to see the message on each pager�s LED display: �Congratulations on a successful purchase.�

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Conundrum of the Day...
by Gordon D. Pusch 18 Feb '99

18 Feb '99

``...What's the color of a chameleon put onto a mirror ???'' -- Stewart Brand

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Kids: Smarter than often given credit
by David Gunter 17 Feb '99

17 Feb '99

From http://www.emory.edu/NFIA/update/news/01-99-f.html comes the following article: MISTAKE ON ANTI-DRUG PENCIL TICONDEROGA, N.Y. (AP) -- A company is trying to erase an embarrassing mistake it made on pencils bearing an anti-drug message. The pencils carry the slogan: "Too Cool to Do Drugs." But a sharp-eyed fourth-grader in northern New York noticed when the pencils are sharpened, the message turns into "Cool to Do Drugs" then simply "Do Drugs." As a result of the discovery by 10-year-old Kodi Mosier of Ticonderoga Elementary School, the company, called The Bureau For At-Risk Youth of Plainview, recalled the pencils. "We're actually a little embarrassed that we didn't notice that sooner," spokeswoman Darlene Clair told today's Press-Republican of Plattsburgh. A new batch of pencils will have the message written in the opposite direction, so when they are sharpened, they read "Too Cool To Do" and finally "Too Cool." For pointing out the botched message, Moiser earned his class a letter of apology from the company and box full of T-shirts. Why does Kodi think the company didn't catch the mistake themselves? "I guess they didn't sharpen their pencils," he said.

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Thought for the Day: True Loyalty...
by Gordon D. Pusch 16 Feb '99

16 Feb '99

If you can relax without liquor; If you can get going without pep pills; If you can start the day without caffeine; If you can sleep without the aid of drugs; If you can conquer tension without medical help; If you can face the world without lies and deceit; If you can take criticism and blame without resentment; If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains; If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it; If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend; If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles; If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him; If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you time; If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when things go wrong; If you can say honestly you have no prejudices upon creed, color, religion, or politics; Then, my friend, you are _almost_ as good as your dog...

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