February 2000 - Chuckles - mailman3.cels.anl.gov

FW: "Canadian Revenge" (fwd)
by Craig Stacey 29 Feb '00

29 Feb '00

>From my brother. (We're Canadian, you see...) "Canadian Revenge" A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?" The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American had a smirk on his face. The Canadian listened in silence. The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?" Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada." The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course." Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States." ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com

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What if Linus Torvalds gets hit by a bus?
by Remy Evard 29 Feb '00

29 Feb '00

I have probably heard that question about 20-30 times in the last 6 months in various meetings with vendors, developers, etc. Fortunately someone has decided to find out the answer: http://segfault.org/story.phtml?id=38b40d78-087dd360 -r'm

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Fwd: [ Typos in church bulletins]
by Stuart Martin 29 Feb '00

29 Feb '00

Typos and vagueness in these church bulletins give them a whole new meaning... ====================================================== * Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High". * Don't let worry kill you--let the church help. * Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community * Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. * Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy! * The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. * This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. * Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. * This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. * Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so. * The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. * Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. * Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. * The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. * At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. * During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit. * The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens. * The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11

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Quality Control...
by Gordon D. Pusch 27 Feb '00

27 Feb '00

Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time). The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately." -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail

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The Whack Report -- February 17, 2000 (fwd)
by Craig Stacey 17 Feb '00

17 Feb '00

For Janet. (Hey, I own a green VW, too) Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White info(a)whackreport.com ] February 17, 2000 -=+=- Today's true story was sent in by David Groth of New Mexico... We were getting ready to fly back from a vacation this last weekend and were sitting in the San Diego airport waiting for our flight. As always, the airport was packed with people and things were pretty tense. The normal announcements were being made, such as, "Gary Johnson, please meet your party at..." and "Will the owner of the Blue Lincoln please return to your vehicle, it is about to be towed." Then a new voice came over the speaker and announced, "Will the owner of the green Volkswagen please move your car. It's not being ticketed. It's not being towed. It's just REALLY, REALLY ugly!" =================================================================== [ The Whack Report is a Top5 publication ] [ To yell at the owner: Send mail to chris(a)topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ must receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-subscribe(a)topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-subscribe(a)topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue-subscribe(a)topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-subscribe(a)topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-subscribe(a)topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-subscribe(a)topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport-subscribe(a)topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E W H A C K R E P O R T ] [ --== A Top5 Production ==-- ] ===================================================================

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Re: FW: California
by Karen D. Toonen 14 Feb '00

14 Feb '00

> RE: California Driving > > A California police officer pulled a car over and told the > driver that because he had been wearing his seatbelt, he had > just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition. "What > are you going to do with the money?" asked the police officer. > > "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered. > > "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. > "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." > > This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at > the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." > > At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice > said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

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Fwd: Perspective: from the IT Department
by Remy Evard 14 Feb '00

14 Feb '00

Lists like this make me appreciate that MCS is a computer-savvy place... -r'm >1. When you call us to have your computer moved be sure to leave it buried >under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried >flowers, bowling trophies, and children's art. We don't have a life and we >find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. > >2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages >from here. > >3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way >you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to >remember 300 screen saver passwords. > >4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you >from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail >because your computer won't power on at all. > >5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at >once. We're just testing. > >6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and >spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve. > >7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and >flags it as a rush delivery. > >8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's >electronics in it. > >9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer >support. We can fix your telephone line from here. > >10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer >support. We're collectors. > >11. When something's wrong with your home PC dump it on an I.T. person's >chair with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We >love a puzzle. > >12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have >cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument. > >13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a >scathing tone of voice, "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" >That motivates us. > >14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print >jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. > >15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all >68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work. > >16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly >what you mean by "my thingy blew up." > >17. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps. > >18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, >lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed >to have 20 kg of computer sitting on top of them. > >19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail >upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin >crumbs and nail clippings in them. > >20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button >as fast as you can. > >21. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited >on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have >any money to speak of anyway. > >22. Feel perfectly free to say things like, "I don't know nothing about >that computer crap." We don't mind hearing that our area of professional >expertise is referred to as crap. > >23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. >support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and >Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional >engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics. > >24. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.T. >Support. > >25. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. >We love to hack. > >26. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to >call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third >party who doesn't know anything about the problem. > >27. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a >mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server. > >28. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. >Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue. > >29 292. When an I.T. person gets in the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of >computer equipment on a trolley ask in a very loud voice, "Good grief, you >take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" > >30. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire Group. The >staff in London likes to keep abreast of what's going on. > >31. When you bump into an I.T. person in the supermarket on Saturday, ask a >computer question. We do weekends. > >32. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. >Computer names are just a cosmetic feature. > >33. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, >leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers >somewhere. > >34. Keep it crashing!

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Scientists' RSVPs
by Tom Morgan 13 Feb '00

13 Feb '00

>RSVPs TO AN INVITATION TO THE SCIENTISTS' MILLENNIUM BALL > > Ampere was worried he wasn't current. > > Audubon said he'd have to wing it. > > Boyle said he was under too much pressure. > > Darwin waited to see what evolved. > > Descartes said he'd think about it. > > Dr. Jekyll declined - he hadn't been feeling himself lately. > > Edison thought it would be illuminating. > > Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend. > > Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality. > > Hawking tried to string enough time together to make space in his > schedule. > > Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it. > > Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency. > > Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out. > > Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must > dash." > > Newton planned to drop in. > > Ohm resisted the idea. > > Pavlov was drooling at the thought. > > Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm. > > Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he? > > Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco. > > Volta was electrified, and Archimedes buoyant at the thought. > > Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam. > > Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight. > > > ______________________________ ------- End of Forwarded Message

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Not really a chuckle, but worth passing on
by Tom Morgan 10 Feb '00

10 Feb '00

Since my life has already improved, I hearby grant to the rest of you all credits due to me herein. (You can fight over who gets how much.) --Tom ------- Forwarded Message >Subject: THE REAL AND ONLY KATHMANDU BIENNIAL >Date: Tue, Feb 1, 2000, 1:58 PM > > >> > >> THE FOLLOWING IS TAKEN FROM A NEPALESE GOOD LUCK MANTRA. >> YOU'LL FIND IT TO BE WORTH READING AND WORTH SHARING: >> Do not keep this message. >> The mantra must leave your hands within 96 hours. >> You will get a very pleasant surprise. >> This is true, even if you are not superstitious. >> >> I N S T R U C T I O N S F O R L I F E >> 1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great >risk. >> 2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. >> 3. Follow the three Rs: >> Respect for self >> Respect for others and >> Responsibility for all your actions. >> >> 4.Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke >> of luck. >> 5.Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly. >> 6.Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. >> 7.When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct >> it. >> 8.Spend some time alone. >> 9.Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. >> 10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer >> 11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, >> you'll be able to enjoy it a second time. >> 12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. Do >> all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home. >> 13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current >situation. Don't bring up the past. >> 14.Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality. >> 15.Be gentle with the earth. >> 16.Once a year, go someplace you've never been before. >> 17.Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each >> other exceeds your need for each other >> 18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. >> 19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon. > >> >> SEND THIS MANTRA E-MAIL TO AT LEAST 5 PEOPLE AND YOUR LIFE WILL IMPROVE. >> 0-4 people: Your life will improve slightly. >> 5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking. >> 9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks. 15 >> people and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you >> ever dreamed of will begin to take shape. >> >With love from, All of us to all of you. > ------- End of Forwarded Message

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Courtroom Dialogue
by Tom Morgan 06 Feb '00

06 Feb '00

>> >>Originally From: RONPIOTROWSKI >> >>>These are things people actually said in court, word for word: >>> >>>Q: What is your date of birth? >>>A: December 30th. >>>Q: What year? >>>A: Every year. >>> >>>----------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? >>>A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. >>> >>>----------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? >>>A: Yes. >>>Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? >>>A: I forget. >>>Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've >forgotten? >>> >>>----------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Q: How old is your son, the one living with you. >>>A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. >>>Q: How long has he lived with you? >>>A: Forty-five years. >>> >>>----------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that >>>morning? >>>A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" >>>Q: And why did that upset you? >>>A: My name is Susan. >>> >>>----------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Q: And where was the location of the accident? >>>A: Approximately milepost 499. >>>Q: And where is milepost 499? >>>A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. >>> >>>----------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Q: Sir, what is your IQ? >>>A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. >>> >>>----------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? >>>A: After the accident? >>>Q: Before the accident. >>>A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. >>> >>>----------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the >>>occult? >>>A: We both do. >>>Q: Voodoo? >>>A: We do. >>>Q: You do? >>>A: Yes, voodoo. >>> >>>----------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights >>>flashing? >>>A: Yes. >>>Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? >>>A: Yes, sir. >>>Q: What did she say? >>>A: What disco am I at? >>> >>>----------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, >>>he doesn't know about it until the next morning? >>> >>>----------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? >>> >>>----------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? >>> >>>----------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? >>>A: Yes. >>>Q: And what were you doing at that time? >>> >>>----------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Q: She had three children, right? >>>A: Yes. >>>Q: How many were boys? >>>A: None. >>>Q: Were there any girls? >>> >>>----------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? >>>A: Yes. >>>Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? >>> >>>----------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Q: How was your first marriage terminated? >>>A: By death. >>>Q: And by whose death was it terminated? >>> >>>----------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Q: Can you describe the individual? >>>A: He was about medium height and had a beard. >>>Q: Was this a male, or a female? >>> >>>----------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition >>> notice which I sent to your attorney? >>>A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. >>> >>>----------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? >>>A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. >>> >>>----------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? >>>A: Oral. >>> >>>----------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?> >>>A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. >>>Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? >>>A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. >>> >>>----------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? >>> >>>----------------------------------------------- >>> >>>Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? >>>A: No. >>>Q: Did you check for blood pressure? >>>A: No. >>>Q: Did you check for breathing? >>>A: No. >>>Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the >>>autopsy? >>>A: No. >>>Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? >>>A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. >>>Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? >>>A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law >>>somewhere. >>> >> >> > >

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