December 1999 - Chuckles - mailman3.cels.anl.gov

Steve Ballmer quote
by Olle Larsson 18 Dec '99

18 Dec '99

http://www.mercurycenter.com/svtech/news/indepth/docs/qa121700.htm I mean, you could say DOS (Microsoft's original operating system, which runs beneath Windows) is now a poorly debugged -- well, it's well-debugged -- it's just a set of device drivers running Microsoft Windows. And so the people who'll obsolete us could be somebody who comes along the side of us, or someone who comes along on top of us.

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Fwd: The Start of the New Millennium
by Remy Evard 17 Dec '99

17 Dec '99

>1999-12-04 The Start of the New Millennium > >The year 2000 is nearly here. It is time to settle the question >everyone asks and no one cares about: When does the new millennium >begin? > >One side insists on January 1, 2000. The other side holds out >for January 1, 2001. The only way to settle it is to compromise. > >Therefore, the new millennium begins on July 1, 2000. > >The issue is hereby declared settled. > >---------------------------------------------------------- >From: mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") >Issue Number 1999-12 December, 1999 ISSN 1076-500X >Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the > A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in > Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), > the journal of inflated research and personalities >----------------------------------------------------------

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Fwd: A legal holiday greeting
by Remy Evard 16 Dec '99

16 Dec '99

>Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for >an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, >non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, >practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion >of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the >religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice >not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. And a fiscally >successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition >of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without >due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose >contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that >America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only >"AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, >creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer >platform or sexual preference of the wishee. > >(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting >is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with >no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the >wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, >and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole >discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected >within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or >until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes >first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of >a new wish at the sole Discretion of the wisher.)

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Those fine folks on AOL...
by David Gunter 13 Dec '99

13 Dec '99

Here's more humor from sci.physics. (Is there any real science there anymore?) In todays installment, an inDUHvidual has misrouted what should have been an internal email. -david [XxxXxxxx(a)aol.com] wrote in message <19991212143842.20833.00000236(a)xxxxxx.aol.com>... >I need to find a missing paycheck please advise to who I could go to for >this. Non-physics answer: Go to the billing department. QM: Wait for some time. Since the wavefunction is non-zero everywhere and probability is a function of the wavefunction, it'll pop up in time. Relativity: Travel *really* fast and the dimension in which you're travelling will compress. Less space, easier to find. Godelian: 1) Theorem: I have found my paycheck. 2) Prove this theorem is undecidable. 3) It then must be true because if it were false, you could prove it false, but you're already proven it undecidable. 4) Take paycheck but don't ask questions. Thermodynamics: 1) Not knowing where your paycheck is shows you're disordered. 2) A machine can be built to decrease entropy locally. Unfortunately, this machine will increase entropy globally, but it's not your concern if *someone else* can't find their paychecks. Philosophy: C'mon, you got a paycheck? Complex analysis: 1)Hope you left it on a pole. 2) Integrate 3) Search for residues. Homeopathic: You touched the check once, at least. Some residue of the check is in your hands. Should be good enough. Modular arithmetic: 1) let F(x) = (the world) mod (your paycheck). 2) search for f(x) != 0. ---- That's all I can think of on a Sunday afternoon. -Mark

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[Fwd: there is no fix for the y20K problem in the c-client]
by Remy Evard 11 Dec '99

11 Dec '99

>Forwarded-by: david mankins <dm(a)k12-nis-2.bbn.com> >Forwarded-by: gkm(a)substance.abuse.blackdown.org (glen mccready) >Forwarded-by: Jeff Boerio <boerio(a)ichips.intel.com> >Forwarded-by: James Walden <jamesw(a)ichips.intel.com> > >This is the Y2K file that comes with UW imapd 4.7. It appears to be >a bit more detailed than most would want but I think we should convert >from the Gregorian to the Eastern Orthodox calendar ASAP to avoid the >Y20K issue. > >QUESTION: Is c-client Y2K compliant? > >ANSWER: > > There are no known Y2K issues in c-client; nor have there ever >been any known Y2K issues in c-client from its inception. > > You may wish to read the document calendar.txt for more >information about the Y4K, Y20K, and Y45K issues. Assuming that >c-client is still around in 2000-43,000 years, someone will have to >deal with these. > > Within the plausible lifetimes of people today, there are three >known date-related issues in c-client which will have to be addressed >in the future. If I am still alive when the first problem hits, I >will be nearly 82 years old, and won't be maintaining c-client any >more. > > >Y2038: > > c-client, like most UNIX software, has Y2038 issues. On Tuesday, >January 19, 2038 at 03:14:08 Coordinated Universal Time (also known as >UTC, UT, or historically GMT), the clock on 32-bit UNIX systems will >wrap around to a negative number; that is, from 0x7fffffff to >0x80000000. > > c-client uses an unsigned long for its 32-bit time; however the C >library on most UNIX systems uses a signed long and will interpret >that time as being Friday, December 13, 1901 at 20:45:52 UTC. > > Fixing this problem will require changing the C library to use >either unsigned longs or a wider (e.g. 64-bit) value for time. Lots >of work will need to be done on 32-bit UNIX systems as 2038 >approaches. History suggests that most of the work will be done in >the autumn of 2037... ;-) It's not known if anything is necessary to >do to c-client other than just rebuild it with the new C library. > > Going to 32-bit unsigned longs means that there will be a Y2106 >bug that someone will have to fix. Hopefully nobody will even think >of using 32-bit systems by then. > > >Y2070: > > c-client assumes that 2-digit years with values of 70 or greater >are in the 20th century, and that 2-digit years with values of 69 or >less are in the 21st century. Time for UNIX began on January 1, 1970 >and email on ARPAnet happened between the first TENEX systems shortly >after that; consequently there is no ambiguity with email data with >2-digit years prior to the year 2070. This is used only when parsing >a 2-digit year. c-client never generates one. > > Fixing this problem requires convincing people not to use 2-digit >years. This is a lesson that people should have figured out 70 years >earlier with Y2K. Consequently, this may be a "non-problem." >Otherwise, look in mail_parse_date() for the comment "two digit year" >and change the statement as desired. [Note: do not change the >definition of BASEYEAR since the UNIX port assumes that this matches >when time began in the operating system.] > > >Y2098: > > On January 1, 2098, the year in per-message internal dates will >expire, since a 7-bit field is allocated for the year. c-client will >mistakenly think that the day is January 1, 1970. > > Fortunately, it is easy to fix this problem. Just increase the >width of "year" in MESSAGECACHE in mail.h. If you make it 8 bits, >it'll be good until January 1, 2216; 9 bits makes it good until 2482. >10 bits will push it back that you'd worry about the Y2800 question >before having to increase it again. If you ignore Y2800, 11 bits will >push it it back to having to worry about Y4K first. > > >Y2800: > > At this year, you will need to decide whether to keep the Gregorian >calendar, which is one day slow every 20,000 years, or go to the more >accurate Eastern Orthodox calendar which is one day slow every 45,000 >years. The Gregorian and Eastern Orthodox calendars diverge at this >year. > > There hasn't been any statement about how the international >community will deal with the situation of the Orthodox calendar being >one day ahead of the Gregorian calendar between 2800 and 2900. This >will happen again between 3200 and 3300, and at gradually increasing >intervals until 48,300 when the shift becomes permanent (assuming no >Y20K or Y45K fixes). > > If you wish to make the transition to the Eastern Orthodox calendar, >rebuild c-client with -DUSEORTHODOXCALENDAR=1. You can then ignore Y4K >and Y20K! > > >Y4K: > > A little-known rule in the Gregorian calendar is that years that >are evenly divisible by 4000 are not leap years. Unlike the other >rules, this rule hasn't had effect yet, and won't for another 2000 years. > > To fix the Y4K problem, just rebuild c-client with -DY4KBUGFIX=1. > > >Y20K: > > Those of you who stuck with the Gregorian calendar have a >problem; the calendar is now one day slow. The Pope has not made any >statement about how this problem will be fixed. Maybe they'll declare >that 20,004 is also not a leap year or something. > > There is no fix for this problem in c-client. > > >Y45K: > > Greeks, Serbs, Russians, and other Eastern Orthodox have spent >the past 41,000 years laughing at westerners' increasingly futile >efforts to keep the Gregorian calendar in order. The day of reckoning >has come; the Orthodox calendar is now one day slow. The Patriarch of >Istanbul (nee Constaninople) has not made any statement about how this >will be fixed. > > There is no fix for this problem in c-client. > > >------- End of Forwarded Message

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Then *how* do they send credit card information!?!?!?
by Olle Larsson 10 Dec '99

10 Dec '99

https://register.btinternet.com/help/security_help.htm

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telemarketers
by Melissa 10 Dec '99

10 Dec '99

Question: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.

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On a Roll, the Lawyer...
by Tom Morgan 09 Dec '99

09 Dec '99

------- Forwarded Message >> >>On a Roll, the Lawyer... >> >> A United Way office realized that it had never received a donation >> from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of >> contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. >> >> "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least >> $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give >> back to the community in some way?" >> >> The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did >> your research also show that my mother is dying after a long >> illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual >> income?" >> >> Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." >> >> "--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to >> a wheelchair?" >> >> The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was >> interrupted....... >> >> "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the >> lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with >> three children?" >> >> The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I >> had no idea..." >> >> On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give >> any money to them, why should I give any to you?" >> >> >> >> > > ------- End of Forwarded Message

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(no subject)
by David Gunter 09 Dec '99

09 Dec '99

This is from a thread to sci.physics regarding the support of NASA despite recent setbacks. It's reposted with John's permission. -david -------------------------------------------------------------------- It is a shame that NASA is not allowed to do some small time fund raising outside of begging for money from Congress, especially if they were willing to poke a little fun at themselves. They could easily finance a retry of the last two missions if they sold a tee shirt displaying a bent antenna sticking up out of a fresh crater below the words, "Faster, cheaper, buried deeper. Damn!" And below, the words, "We'll do 'Better' next time." I'd pay $10 to have such a memento of their recent frustrations if I thought it would help finance a second chance. John Popelish

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The Whack Report -- December 8, 1999 (fwd)
by Craig Stacey 09 Dec '99

09 Dec '99

Ah, let's book-en 'em today. -- Craig Stacey I was once in a spelling bee, but I lost because the other contastents cheeted. (Paul Paternoster) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- --== Top5 presents ==-- =================================================================== [ T H E W H A C K R E P O R T ] [ To unsubscribe: Send a message to Whack-unsubscribe(a)topica.com ] =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White info(a)whackreport.com ] December 8, 1999 -=+=- Today's true story was sent in by Katie & Jon Ward... A while back when we lived in Boise, we threw a party. Most of the guests were from my wife's workplace. My wife's boss, Bud, was there with his wife, Flo. Everything was going along just fine, and as happens at parties, most of us were pretty hammered by midnight. Come about 1:30 am. people started leaving. Since the place was clearing out, our dog Max became a bit more active and wandered into the kitchen to say hello. Now, what you need to know here is that my wife and I have developed several nicknames for our dog. One of those nicknames is "P", which I think evolved from "Puppy." Also, sometimes I refer to Max as "His P-Ness", just like you would refer to a king or royalty as "His Highness." Anyhow, at the critical moment, Max walks into the kitchen, and I of course let out a nice loud, "Well, helllllooooo my P-Ness!!!" Max gazed up at me and then looked towards the door, so I followed up with, "Ohhhh, would my little P-Ness like to go outside and relieve himself?" At this point, I happen to turn around and see Flo, staring at me with the strangest look on her face... =================================================================== Got a story for The Whack Report? Send it to us at: story(a)whackreport.com We'll polish it up and make it presentable. =================================================================== [ The Whack Report is a Top5 publication ] [ To yell at the owner: Send mail to chris(a)topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ must receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-subscribe(a)topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-subscribe(a)topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue-subscribe(a)topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-subscribe(a)topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-subscribe(a)topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-subscribe(a)topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport-subscribe(a)topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E W H A C K R E P O R T ] [ --== A Top5 Production ==-- ] ===================================================================

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