April 2000 - Chuckles - mailman3.cels.anl.gov

FW: Stupid People...
by Lisa Childers 29 Apr '00

29 Apr '00

<forwards removed > Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign." It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a removalist truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says,"Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign." A couple of months ago I went fishing with a mate of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big bunch of flathead and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, did you catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign." I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it" Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my car into one of those side-of-the-road petrol stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my car, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign." We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Shit that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign I could have stopped him. I learned to drive a semi trailer in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local policeman shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign....until he asked..... "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig,and then back to him and said "no, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."

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I guess computers are useful
by Michail Gomberg 27 Apr '00

27 Apr '00

I found this at http://www.eunuchs.org/linux/hardware/index.html. ###################################################################### My friend and I used Linux to grow pot! We hooked up the serial port of an old 386 to an off the shelf distributer device that controlled a water pump, a CO2 regulator, and a high pressure sodium light. We wrote an application in linux that allowed us to accurately schedule each device based on our targeted growth cycle. For example, during the first five weeks of vegetative growth, our linux box automatically turned the HPS light off for two hours a day. CO2 would be released for five seconds on the plants every two hours, and water/hydro solution pumped constantly until we would tell it to stop at the linux terminal (When it was time to change the solution). In our next crop, we plan to hook up a digital thermometer so that we can monitor the temperature in our grow room and have our linux gardener turn on fans to regulate the temp. Linux saved us a lot of manual labor, and helped produce a bumper harvest. (MH NOTE) Now this is pretty cool. All you need now is an analog board to read the temperatures and other sensors, and have Gnuplot generate some nice graphs... :) ######################################################################

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(no subject)
by Tom Morgan 21 Apr '00

21 Apr '00

>> >>This is crazy, but I found this website that uses government files to find >>an actual photograph of ANYBODY. I was shocked to find that with no trouble >>at all, it brought up an (old) picture of me. You should see if they have >>you in the database too! >> > > http://www.bpent.com/fbi >>

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Mega Morons
by Thomas Morgan 15 Apr '00

15 Apr '00

I'm not sure I believe these are true,..., but I'd like to. :) ______________________________________________________________________ MEGA MORON #1 A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K convenience store, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?) MEGA MORON #2 A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F**K-UP!". For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a f**k-up!" MEGA MORON #3 Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The event was caught on videotape. MEGA MORON #4 As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk immediately called 911 and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID, to which he replied, "Yes officer, that's her... That's the lady I stole the purse from." MEGA MORON #5 When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. MEGA MORON #6 The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. MEGA MORON #7 Kentucky: Two men tried to pull off the front of a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With the vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

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Politics in OK
by Gene Rackow 14 Apr '00

14 Apr '00

------- Forwarded Message Date: Fri, 14 Apr 2000 17:40:15 -0400 (EDT) To: news-list(a)mcs.anl.gov From: "What's New" <whatsnew(a)aps.org> Subject: What's New for Apr 14, 2000 WHAT'S NEW Robert L. Park Friday, 14 Apr 00 Washington, DC ....... 3. CREATIONISM: OKLAHOMA HOUSE CASTS A VOTE FOR MONOTHEISM. You will recall that last fall the Oklahoma state textbook committee voted to affix a statement to any biology text warning unwary students that "evolution is a controversial theory" (WN 12 Nov 99). The Oklahoma Attorney General, however, ruled that the committee lacked the authority to require such a statement. This week, the Oklahoma House of Representatives voted unanimously for a bill that gives the committee authority to insert "a summary, opinion, or disclaimer" into any textbook they please. What's more, the textbook committee was directed to "ensure that the textbooks include acknowledgment that human life was created by one God of the universe." The Representatives showed admirable restraint in not specifying which God they had in mind. They then voted narrowly to send the bill back to a House-Senate committee, whose chair vows she will not allow it to resurface. THE AMERICAN PHYSICAL SOCIETY (Note: Opinions are the author's and are not necessarily shared by the APS, but they should be.) ------- End of Forwarded Message

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You know, it's funny, but wow
by Craig Stacey 14 Apr '00

14 Apr '00

Microsoft software glitch may allow access to Web sites By Bloomberg News REDMOND, Wash.--Microsoft said its engineers included a secret phrase, "Netscape engineers are weenies," in some software that could be used to gain illicit access to hundreds of thousands of Internet sites worldwide, according to reports. -- Craig Stacey It seems a shame about the buffalo, until you realize that they *were* mighty tasty. (Wade Kwon)

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Oh wait!
by Rusty Lusk 13 Apr '00

13 Apr '00

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... Oh wait! He does!

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web page jesusification
by Rusty Lusk 10 Apr '00

10 Apr '00

I recommend (highly) that you go to http://www.askjesus.org and when it asks you to enter a web page address, enter www.mcs.anl.gov. Observe its comments on pharaoh Rick Stevens....

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SAD NEWS
by Tom Morgan 10 Apr '00

10 Apr '00

> > > I don't usually pass on news like this, but sometimes we need to pause > > > and remember what life is about. There was a great loss recently in the > > > entertainment world. Larry LaPrise, the Detroit native who wrote the > > > song "Hokey Pokey," died last week at 83. It was especially difficult > > > for the family. > > > > > > They had trouble keeping him in the casket. They'd put his left leg in > > > and....well you know the rest... > > > > > ------- End of Forwarded Message

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FW: The Price of Gasoline (fwd)
by Karen D. Toonen 07 Apr '00

07 Apr '00

Do you think gasoline is expensive? Some comparison shopping numbers: Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $ 9.52 per gallon Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $ 10.17 per gallon Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $ 33.60 per gallon Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $ 84.84 per gallon Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon So next time you're at the pump, be happy your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Whiteout!!!

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