November 1999 - Chuckles - mailman3.cels.anl.gov

how generous!
by Janet Sayre 30 Nov '99

30 Nov '99

[from my friend Joe at NWU] > >To: Northwestern University faculty and staff > >From: Henry S. Bienen, President > Lawrence B. Dumas, Provost > >Re: Observance of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day > > >Northwestern University has set aside the three hours from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. >on Monday, January 17 for university-wide observance of Martin Luther King >Jr. Day. All classes between 11 a.m. and 2 p.m. will be canceled. >he was a great man! You get 3 hours. Go back to work.

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Poem by an Old Timer
by Olle Larsson 24 Nov '99

24 Nov '99

[Forwarded from the UK. Origin unknown. /Olle] A computer was something on TV >From a science fiction show of note. A window was something you hated to clean.... And ram was the cousin of a goat..... Meg was the name of my girlfriend And gig was a job for the nights Now they all mean different things And that really mega bytes An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3" floppy You hoped nobody found out Compress was something you did to the garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while Log on was adding wood to the fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode Cut you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu I guess I'll stick to my pen and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!

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Fwd: All About Dieting - Just In Time For Thanksgiving
by Stuart Martin 24 Nov '99

24 Nov '99

>Diet debates can leave you hungry for facts > >BY DAVE BARRY > >ONE recent Tuesday morning I was flipping through the TV channels at a >brisk, businesslike, no-nonsense pace, looking for Rocky and Bullwinkle, >when I found myself caught up in a fascinating installment of Leeza >Gibbons' >talk show, ``Leeza.'' The theme of the show was: ``Women Who Cannot >Correctly Spell Their Own Names.'' > >No, seriously, the theme was: ``Superstars of the Diet Wars.'' This was a >debate among top diet experts, who felt so strongly about the correct way >to >lose weight that at times they came close to whacking each other over the >head with their competing diet books. > >Dieting was not always so complicated. Thousands of years ago, there was >only one diet book, titled ``Don't Eat Too Much.'' It consisted of a big >stone tablet on which were chiseled the words ``DON'T EAT TOO MUCH!'' It >did >not sell well, because nobody could lift it, on top of which everybody back >then was busy with other concerns, such as not starving. > >In modern America, however, food is abundant everywhere except aboard >commercial airplanes. Dieting has become a huge industry involving many >complex theories that can be confusing to the average layperson sitting on >the Barcalounger, trying to decide whether to open a second bag of potato >chips or simply eat the onion dip right out of the tub. So let's review the >History of Modern Diet Science: > >The first big advance came in 1895, when a food researcher named Dr. Wilbur >Calorie made the breakthrough discovery, while working late one night, that >he could no longer pull his pants up past his thighs. After spending many >hours in the laboratory squinting at fudge, Dr. Calorie concluded that >people gain weight because certain foods contain tiny invisible scientific >units that became known, in honor of their discoverer, as ``Wilburs.'' > >No, sorry, I mean ``calories.'' For decades, everybody operated on the >Calorie Counter Theory of dieting, which basically states that you should >never eat anything that tastes good. Then along came a new theory, the Evil >Fat Theory, which states that you CAN have calories, but you should NOT >have >fat; this resulted in the multibillion-dollar Low-Fat Things Industry, >which >gave us low-fat brownies, low-fat Milk Duds, low-fat cows, low-fat cologne, >the cast of ``Friends,'' etc. > >But there is ANOTHER major theory that says you can eat all the fat you >want, but you CAN'T have carbohydrates; that you can snork down an entire >pig for breakfast, but eat a single Froot Loop and you will bloat out like >a >military life raft. The Evil Carbohydrate Theory is extremely hot at the >moment, as is evidenced by the top-selling diet books, which include >``Carbohydrate Beaters,'' ``Carbohydrate Busters,'' ``Carbohydrate >Whackers,'' ``Let's Poke Carbohydrates in the Eyeball,'' ``Carbohydrates >Kidnapped My Wife'' and ``Fight Carbohydrates Through Sorcery the Harry >Potter Way.'' > >So it's hard for a dieter to know what to think, which is why it was so >helpful for the ``Leeza'' show to hold a debate among the leading diet >experts, including several medical doctors, several people with scientific >initials after their names, and of course Suzanne Somers, who may yet win a >Nobel Prize for her work on the ThighMaster, and who is now a top diet >authority with a book out. It is only a matter of time before she thinks >seriously about running for president. > >SO ANYWAY, the diet experts debated their theories, and Leeza walked around >frowning with the deep concern that talk-show hosts feel about everything. >The audience provided feedback by holding up cards that said YES on one >side >and NO on the other. (At one point an expert mentioned the first law of >thermodynamics, and Leeza asked if anybody knew what that was, and the >audience consensus was NO). In between there were numerous commercials, >most >of which were for law firms that want to Fight For You, although there was >also a thought-provoking one for a toilet cleanser. > >Anyway, I watched the experts debate for an hour, and here's what I >learned: > > >a.. The (pick one: low-calorie; low-fat; low-carbohydrate) diet really >works! > >b.. Whereas the (pick one: low-calorie; low-fat, low-carbohydrate) diet >will probably kill you. > >c.. Suzanne Somers, in all objectivity, thinks you should buy her book. > >d.. If you are a human being of any kind, you should file a lawsuit, >because YOU HAVE MONEY COMING! > >e.. Speaking of TV attorneys, toilet bacteria grow like CRAZY. >So there are the facts, consumers; it's now up to you to make an informed >decision. Remember: It's YOUR body. And, as such, it wants a chili dog. >

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RE: Friday was a really odd day...
by Olle Larsson 22 Nov '99

22 Nov '99

It's not year zero that is referred to, it's the digit zero. ISO 8601 defines the year as four digits, YYYY-MM-DD; so if zero is not regarded as even, there will never be an even day. An anecdote: ISO 8601 was used widely in Sweden for years and years, it solved tons of problems (something I particularily like is that you can easily sort dates, and it works both if you treated the dates as 8-digit integers or as strings; secondly, adding HH:MM:SS is a natural extension of the date itself). But then Sweden became members of EU; the Brussels bureaucracy adopted their own date standard a couple of years ago, namely DD-MM-YY (no, not YYYY...) Why can't people EVER be rational? Anyway, be careful if you buy imported European food in the nearby future, with the sell by date being something like 12-01-99 ... :) /Olle > -----Original Message----- > From: Gordon D. Pusch [mailto:[email protected]] > Sent: Monday, November 22, 1999 12:01 AM > To: Olle Larsson > Cc: chuckles(a)mcs.anl.gov > Subject: Re: Friday was a really odd day... > > > > The next even day will be 2000-02-02, if we take zero as even. It > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > > will be the first one since 0888-08-28. (Using ISO 8601, if we did > > not take zero as even we would never have an even day.) > > I find this reference to the ``year zero'' hilariously funny --- Has the ISO > actually had enough chutzpah to officially contravene a _Papal Edict_ !?! > > (Under the calander-reform ordered by Pope Gregory XIII in 1582, there > =IS= no ``Year 0'' --- the year jumped directly from 1 BC to 1 AD, `zero' > being a concept still viewed with Deep Suspicion even in the latter part > of the 16th Century... Which is, BTW, why this *IS* the 20th Century CE, > not the 19th --- and why the 21st Century won't _actually_ start until > 01-Jan-2001, no matter =HOW= many nimnuls ignorantly celebrate it when > all the digits roll over at the end of next month... :-T) > > ^___^ > / _ , \ > Gordon \__ __/ > \_/ > > > >

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Friday was a really odd day...
by Olle Larsson 21 Nov '99

21 Nov '99

Not only did I spend all of Friday goofing off, not producing anything of use, as I recouperated from SC99 [and its festivities, I must admit ;)]. I also found this (snipped from www.tbtf.com) /Olle Friday, 1999-11-19, was an odd day. Not only are the year, the month, and the day odd, but so is each digit in each one of them. We won't see another such completely odd day until 3111-11-11. If we weren't using ISO 8601 dates [34], we could observe an odd day ten months and ten days earlier. The next even day will be 2000-02-02, if we take zero as even. It will be the first one since 0888-08-28. (Using ISO 8601, if we did not take zero as even we would never have an even day.) I have traced this most useless numerological / calendrical factoid back three generations before the first mention I saw of it on a mailing list, but must now admit defeat. Please write if you can offer a lead on its inventor. [34] http://www.saqqara.demon.co.uk/datefmt.htm

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Chrisnukah
by Tom Morgan 18 Nov '99

18 Nov '99

Hope this isn't offensive to anyone. I thought it was pretty funny. --Tom ------- Forwarded Message Chrisnukah Business Update - Chanukah-Christmas Merger Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, It was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this. A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the U.S. holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful." This is the world as we enter the new millennium ================================================ HOW DO I SUBSCRIBE? Just send a message to MarthaL(a)california.com saying SUBSCRIBE FUNNIES and giving your name. HOW DO I UNSUBSCRIBE? ditto -- but say UNSUBSCRIBE FUNNIES and give your name. Nota bene: If you find you are getting annoyed at the jokes, unsubscribe before you get mad at me. WHERE DO I SEND JOKES? MarthaL(a)california.com but send the funny LEGAL STUFF: With extremely rare exceptions, I am merely passing jokes on, and do not claim any copyright whatsoever. Where I know it, I try to give the joke�s ancestry. Enjoy these in the spirit of fun. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------ - --0-719885386-942335762=:16790-- ------- End of Forwarded Message

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FW: Money
by Janet Sayre 18 Nov '99

18 Nov '99

> >>> > >>> Money can buy a house, but not a home. > >>> > >>> Money can buy a bed, but not sleep. > >>> > >>> Money can buy a clock, but not time. > >>> > >>> Money can buy a book, but not knowledge. > >>> > >>> Money can buy food, but not an appetite. > >>> > >>> Money can buy position, but not respect. > >>> > >>> Money can buy blood, but not life. > >>> > >>> Money can buy medicine, but not health. > >>> > >>> Money can buy sex, but not love. > >>> > >>> Money can buy insurance, but not safety. > >>> > >>> You see, money is not everything. > >>> > >>> Therefore, if you have too much money, please send it to me, > >immediately. > >>> > >>> I need it for Christmas. > >>> > >>>

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silliness
by Karen D. Toonen 15 Nov '99

15 Nov '99

This on-line "bubble-wrap" may amuse you: http://www.urban75.com/Mag/bubble.html -- Thank you, Karen Toonen ktoonen(a)mcs.anl.gov webmaster(a)mcs.anl.gov

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clerical humor
by Olle Larsson 11 Nov '99

11 Nov '99

I got this from my mother-in-law, who's a (lutheran) priest. She in turn got it from a (catholic) colleague of hers. /Olle -----Original Message----- Priest At the Track > >Charlie was a regular visitor at the race track. One afternoon he noticed >an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited >one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie >watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse >came in first! > >Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again the priest went >to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Charlie played a hunch >and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure enough, the blessed >horse came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty bucks! The >priest continued the same procedure through the next few races and the >horse won each time. > >So between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank to withdraw >his life's savings, $20,000. The biggest race of the day was the last one. >Charlie followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he blessed. > >He then went to the betting window and put his whole bundle of cash on that >horse, to win. Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the >stretch they came and as they crossed the finish line, the horse Charlie's >fortune was bet on was far behind ... dead last! Charlie was crushed. > >He located the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless the >horses which all became winners throughout the day. Charlie then asked, >"What happened to the last horse which you blessed? Because of your >failure on that last horse, I have lost my entire life's savings." > >"That's the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the priest, "you never >could tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites." > >

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Thanksgiving Humor
by David Gunter 11 Nov '99

11 Nov '99

This is a Top5 list. You can go to www.topfive.com to see this sort of humor on a daily basis. Enough said. - -david Gateway to Iowa ================================================================== C L U B T O P 5 [Ooh - it's extra special -d.g.] ================================================================== November 11, 1999 The Top 15 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movies 15> To Kill A Walking Bird 14> My Best Friend's Dressing 13> Thighs Wide Shut 12> The Texas Coleslaw Massacre 11> Casserolablanca 10> The Fabulous Baster Boys 9> 12 Hungry Men 8> Silence of the Yams 7> For Love of The Game Hen 6> I Know What You Ate Last Winter 5> All the President's Menu 4> White Meat Can't Jump 3> When Harry Met Salad 2> The Story of U.S. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movie... 1> The Wing and I [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ] ================================================================== "Kids' Table" and "Dork Meat" The Runners Up and Honorable Mention submissions for today's list come later in this message. ================================================================== Selected from 142 submissions from 53 contributors. Today's Top 5 List authors are: - ------------------------------------------------------------------ Martell Stroup, Boston, MA -- 1 (7th #1) Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN -- 2 Michael Sheinbaum, King of Prussia, PA -- 3 Jeffrey Anbinder, Ithaca, NY -- 4 Larry Baum, Hong Kong -- 5 Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 6 Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 7 Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- 8 (Hall of Famer) Tim McKemy, Chandler, AZ -- 8 Diana Salisbury, Chicago, IL -- 8 JB Leibovitch, Oakland, CA -- 9 Lisa Lavoie, Waltham, MA -- 10 Mitch Berg, Saint Paul, MN -- 11 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 12 (Hall of Famer) Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 13 Ann Rosenfeld, Austin, TX -- 14 Scott Sistek, Seattle, WA -- 15, HM list name Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Topic Wendy Zumpano, Gurnee, IL -- Banner tag Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- RU name (Hall of Famer) Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Alanis Morissette, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada -- Ambience ================================================================== The Runners Up & Honorable Mention submissions Runners up were almost good enough to make the main list, but got edged out by other submissions. Honorable mentions were good enough to still deserve some recognition. - ------------------------------------------------------------------ Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movies RUNNERS UP list -- Kids' Table - ------------------------------------------------------------------ A Clockwork Duck a la 'Orange (Diana Salisbury, Chicago, IL) Aunt Sophie's Cranberries of Wrath (John Treusch, Burlington, NJ) Butch Cranberry and the Sunyams Kid (Jeffrey Anbinder, Ithaca, NY) Carving Private Ryan (Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY) Das Gravy Boat (Martell Stroup, Boston, MA) Episode One: The Tryptophantom Menace (Kevin Freels, Burbank, CA) Giblet Goes Hawaiian (Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX) Invasion of the Gravy Snatchers (Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC) Jurassic Pork (Mitch Berg, Saint Paul, MN) McHale's Gravy (Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY) Native American Beauty (Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN) Princess Monoturke (Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA) The Turkeys are Coming! The Turkeys are Coming! (Mark Weiss, Austin, TX) The Unbearable Tightness of Overeating (Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA) Whose Leg Is It Anyway? (Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL) Runner Up list name (Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA) - ------------------------------------------------------------------ Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movies HONORABLE MENTION list -- Dork Meat - ------------------------------------------------------------------ The Sixth Serving (Jennifer Bieneman, Grand Rapids, MI) (Carla Brandon, San Diego, CA) (Kevin Freels, Burbank, CA) Austin Powers: The Thigh That Gagged Me (Scott Sistek, Seattle, WA) Bang the Drumstick Slowly (Carla Brandon, San Diego, CA) (Felicia Watson, Colorado Springs, CO) Bringing Out the Spread (Jim Key, Garland, TX) Butterball Express (Martell Stroup, Boston, MA) Dead Parts Society (Michael Sheinbaum, King of Prussia, PA) Debbie Does Drumsticks (Joe DiPietro, Brooklyn, NY) Full Metal Hatchet (Dave Henry, Slidell, LA) Jackie Chan and Chow Yun-Fat in "Giblets of Death" (Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN) My Own Private Idaho Potatoes, Mashed Just The Way I Like Them (Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA) Rear Windblow (Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC) Rebel Without a Drumstick (Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA) Smoked Turkey and the Bandit (Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA) The Right Stuffing (Larry Baum, Hong Kong) (Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA) The Thomas Brown 'N' Serve Affair (Chris Walker, Calimesa, CA) The Wish Bone Collector (Peg Warner, Exeter, NH) (Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA) (Brian Jones, Atlanta, GA) (John Treusch, Burlington, NJ) (Diana Salisbury, Chicago, IL) There's Something About Gravy (Bill Muse, Seattle, WA) (Michael Sheinbaum, King of Prussia, PA) Three Wings (Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY) (Lisa Lavoie, Waltham, MA) (Ann Rosenfeld, Austin, TX) True Pies (Lisa Lavoie, Waltham, MA) Why don't you grow a backbone and talk to your abusive uncle about his drinking problem, Charlie Brown? (John Gephart IV, Harrisburg, PA) Honorable Mention list name (Scott Sistek, Seattle, WA) ================================================================== ~~~~ The http://www.Amused.com Too Much Fun Link of the Day! ~~~ The Lipstick Librarian She's bold! She's sassy! She's helpful! http://www.teleport.com/~petlin/liplib/ ================================================================== --==++ Ruminations ++==-- Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much -- 'cause you've put on quite a few pounds, there, baby. (Chris Malysiak) If I pick MY nose in MY cubicle, does it really matter where I put the results? (Craig Brown) My uncle, who works as a White House mechanic, was accused by President Clinton of not changing his oil. Luckily, my uncle saved the coveralls with the oil stain on it. (Anna Chin Williams) -=+=--=+=- BAD Rumination of the Day (Submitted *as is* to the Ruminations list) If you had a cow for every time someone farted, you'd have a lot of beef. (Philihp Busby) ================================================================== TOP5 -- The Home of Original Humor http://www.topfive.com - ------------------------------------------------------------------ The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-subscribe(a)topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-subscribe(a)topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue-subscribe(a)topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-subscribe(a)topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-subscribe(a)topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-subscribe(a)topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport-subscribe(a)topica.com - ------------------------------------------------------------------ C L U B T O P 5 ================================================================== _____________________________________________________________ Receiving this post in your inbox? You can read it on the Web at Topica. Just register and go to "Your Lists" page. 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