October 1999 - Chuckles - mailman3.cels.anl.gov

Obviously a Vikings Fan.
by Gene Rackow 27 Oct '99

27 Oct '99

- ------- Forwarded Message Two business men on a plane. One turns to address the other: Man 1: "Hey, you must be a University of Wisconsin grad!" Man 2: " Why yes, how could you tell?" Man 1: "It's your bearing... your demeanor. You exude confidence. You're impeccably dressed. Success drips from your every pore! Why, I'll bet you played football for the Badgers, as well." Man 2: "You're very astute. What gave it away." Man 1: "Your shoulders, so wide... your grip, so commanding. They way you set your jaw. Yes sir, you are indeed a fine specimen of a man!" Man 2: "Why, thank you, sir. And you... you must be a University of Minnesota man..." Man 1: "Incredible deduction, sir! What was your clue?" Man 2: "Well, I saw your class ring while you were picking your nose." Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241." "That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the lady answers, "144." "That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert ponders this for a moment, and then says, "Go Vikings!" Q: What do the Vikings and next years expansion teams have in common? A: Number of Superbowl wins. _____________________________________________________ Q: What is the advantage in being a Viking season ticket holder? A: They can all get to the game in one vehicle. _____________________________________________________ Q: Why were the Vikings required to put a roof on the Metrodome? A: To keep the smell from escaping. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A MasterCard moment: Tickets to the Vikings Championship game: $350.00 Earplugs:$3.99 Case of beer and a tank of gas on the way to the game:$32.00 Vikings Jersey: $80.00 Two beers and two hot dogs: $23.00 Two more beers and two more hotdogs: $23.00 Two more beers since you spilled yours after Randy Moss's touchdown: $15.00 Dry-cleaning bill after spilling beer on your shirt: $30.00 Watching the Vikings on Sunday afternoon, the highest scoring team in NFL history, with the rookie of the year, Randy Moss, and having Gary Anderson, with a perfect season and most consecutive kicks, miss a 38 yard field goal to take the Vikings out of the SuperBowl: PRICELESS ___________________________________________________ Q: What do you call a 350 pound Viking fan? A: An Anorexic!!! _____________________________________________________ Q: What do you call a beautiful girl in Minnesota? A: A tourist. _____________________________________________________ Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Minnesota? A: Because God couldn't find three wise men. _____________________________________________________ Q: Why is it a good idea to bring a Viking fan along to a Packer game? A: You can park in the handicap zone. _____________________________________________________ Q: Did you know that the toothbrush was invented by a Viking fan? A: Had to be, if it was invented by anyone else it would have been called a teethbrush. _____________________________________________________ Q: Did you hear about the Viking fan that died at a pie-eating contest? A: The cow kicked him in the head. - ------- End of Forwarded Message

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Feeling old?
by Craig Stacey 25 Oct '99

25 Oct '99

A friend of mine sent this to me for my birthday :). I may or may not have seen this on chuckles before, but it's a little updated now. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mind set of that year's incoming freshmen. Here is this year's list: 1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1981. 2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know he had ever been shot. 3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. 4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression. 5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember one president. 6. They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War. 7. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie. 8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. 9. Tianamen Square means nothing to them. 10. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. 11. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic 12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums. 13. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. 14. They have never owned a record player. 15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong. 16. Star Wars look very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic. 17. There have always been red M&M's and blue ones are not new. There used to be beige ones? 18. They may have heard of an 8 track, but probably never have actually seen or heard one. 19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were newborns. 20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents. 21. They have always had an answering machine. 22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV 23. They have always had cable. 24. There have always been VCR's, but they have no idea what BETA is. 25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. 26. They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony. 27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them. 28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno. 29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. 30. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. 31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player. 32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. 33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII or even the Civil War. 34. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran. 35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. 36. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. 37. They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel, "or "de plane, de plane!" 38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is. 39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was. 40. Michael Jackson has always been white. 41. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups. 42. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. 43. There has always been MTV. Do you feel old yet?

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Great web search
by Craig Stacey 22 Oct '99

22 Oct '99

Go to google (great new search engine) at http://www.google.com/ Search for: more evil than satan himself (A handy link if you can click URLs: http://www.google.com/search?q=more+evil+than+satan+himself ) -- Craig Stacey My friends tell me that I refuse to grow up, but I know they're just jealous because they don't have pajamas with feet. (Tom Sims)

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Criminal Wanna Be's
by Tom Morgan 21 Oct '99

21 Oct '99

------- Forwarded Message [snip] Criminal Wanna Be's Jeffrey J. Pyrcioch, 19, and an alleged accomplice were arrested in West Lafayette, Ind., in May on theft and fraud charges. Pyrcioch allegedly cashed checks that he had written with disappearing ink, apparently believing the checks would be blank by the time they were presented to the bank for collection. However, traces of ink remained, and police said Pyrcioch would have a better chance of getting away with it if he had not used checks re-printed with his name and account number on them. [Washington Post, 6-2-96] Kevin Carter, 21, and Michael Harrison, 26, were charged with second-degree murder, attempted murder, and armed robbery at a jewelry store in Boynton Beach, Florida. The men reportedly planned the job because they needed $2,500 so they could pay the tuition at the Palm Beach Community College POLICE ACADEMY!! He actually said, 'I guess I can't become a police officer now,' Detective Ray Schilke said after interviewing Carter. A husband and wife decided to rob a service station. The wife held a gun on the assistant manager in the office while the husband forced the manager at gunpoint to the room where the safe was. While alone with the wife, the assistant manager told her about the wonderful contest they were having and suggested that she enter it. She eagerly filled out an entry blank with her name, address and phone number. As soon as the couple left with the loot, the assistant manager retrieved her entry blank and notified the police. [Oklahoma City] In December near Mineral Wells, Tex., three men who were attempting to steal copper wire off live electrical lines for resale were electrocuted. Copper wiring is a valuable scrap metal in Texas but is usually stolen from electric cables that are not being used. [Fort Worth Star-Telegram] A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas, Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. There are too many business grads out there, he said. If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened.... Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, Give me all your money or I'll shoot, the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Here's a tip: if you're driving at night with a dead body in the car, turn on your headlights. Police in Miami have charged Jean Lubin with strangling his wife after they discovered her corpse in the car with him on a routine traffic stop. Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plant and home. When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a coast guard helicopter that was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. ========================================= HOW DO I SUBSCRIBE? Just send a message to MarthaL(a)california.com saying SUBSCRIBE FUNNIES and giving your name. HOW DO I UNSUBSCRIBE? ditto -- but say UNSUBSCRIBE FUNNIES and give your name. Nota bene: If you find you are getting annoyed at the jokes, unsubscribe before you get mad at me. WHERE DO I SEND JOKES? MarthaL(a)california.com but send the funny LEGAL STUFF: With extremely rare exceptions, I am merely passing jokes on, and do not claim any copyright whatsoever. Where I know it, I try to give the joke�s ancestry. Enjoy these in the spirit of fun. > - ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ===== __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com ------- End of Forwarded Message

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Darwin 99
by Tom Morgan 17 Oct '99

17 Oct '99

I'm not 100% sure these are the real Darwin awards since several survived! If you are squeamish, you may want to pass on these. --Tom ------- Forwarded Message [snip] Best Of Darwin Awards The long awaited 1999 Darwin "natural Selection" Awards have been released! These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Ladies And Gentlemen... (drum roll... and envelope please)...We proudly present the 1999 "Natural Selection" awards:... 5th runner-up: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed. 4th Runner-up: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St.Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death. 3rd Runner-up: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him. 2nd Runner-up: "Man loses face at party". A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it", said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off". "He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off", Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that" Payne said. 1st Runner-up: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head with a bow & arrow , but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this". No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation. Now this year's winners: (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, (did I mention he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a Holly branch penetrated his rectal cavity. To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3-inches. (The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety (now he thinks of the "S" word) by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100-feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked with scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air. Congratulations gentlemen, you win... ===== __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com ------- End of Forwarded Message

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Drinking and Thinking.
by Gene Rackow 16 Oct '99

16 Oct '99

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

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You think you had a bad day?
by Craig Stacey 14 Oct '99

14 Oct '99

Unattributed: >Keeping perspective... > >Divers out of Louisiana perform underwater repairs >on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email one sent >to his sister. Anytime you think you have had a bad >day at the office, remember this letter.... > >True story................ > >Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. >Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can >tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you >with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my >office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit >to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the >water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is >this: > >We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. >This $20,000 piece of crap sucks the water out of the >sea. It heats it to a delightful temp, then pumps it >down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped >to the air hose. Now this sounds like a good plan, and >I've used it several times with no complaints. What >I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, I >take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck, >this floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like >working in a Jacuzzi. > >Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my >butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. >This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my >butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my >back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized >what had happened... > >The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and >pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the >poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that >hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, >so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. The >crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I >scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually >grinding the jellyfish into my butt. > >I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over >the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the >fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing >hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I >was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water >decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I >could come to the surface for my chamber dry >decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing >but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the >bell. > >When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter >running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and >told me to put it on my butt when I get in the chamber. >The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't take a crap >for two days because my butthole was swollen shut. >I later found out that this could easily have been >prevented if the suction hose was placed on the >leeward side of the ship. > >Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the >office, think of me. Think about how much worse your >day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your >butt. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But >if you do, I hope this will make them more tolerable. -- Craig Stacey Good thing I wasn't born in Germany, because I don't speak a word of German. (Ben Casey)

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Fwd: Where do you want to go today?
by Remy Evard 12 Oct '99

12 Oct '99

>Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1999 00:52:38 -0400 (EDT) >From: msbrader(a)interlog.com >Subject: Where do you want to be *mis*directed today? > > [Erwin Mascardo <mascardo(a)admin.assurenet.com> posted the > following to rec.humor.funny. (It's in their archive at > <http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/99/Sep/expedia.html>.)] > >My wife recently went on a business trip, and in filling out her expense >report, she noted that she could claim the mileage to and from the >airport. My first attempt at using MapQuest to calculate the distance >failed, so I tried Microsoft Expedia Maps. After the shock wore off, my only >regret was that my wife couldn't really claim this mileage figure, as we had >no way to prove that we'd spent 9 days driving to Newfoundland and >back. Highlights from the Microsoft-generated directions follow: > >Summary >>From: Laurel, Maryland >To: Baltimore-Washington International Airport, Maryland >Driving Distance: 5865.1 miles >Time: 9 day(s) 3 hour(s) 22 minute(s) > >Driving Directions > > Time Instruction > 0:00 Depart Laurel, Maryland > 1:01 Entering Delaware > 1:17 Entering New Jersey > 3:24 Entering New York > 3:51 Entering Connecticut > 5:51 Entering Massachusetts > 7:29 Entering New Hampshire > 7:44 Entering Maine > 12:20 Entering New Brunswick > 20:20 Take the North Sydney-Argentia Ferry > 34:32 Entering Newfoundland > 36:35 Turn left onto Local road(s) (4543.1 mi) > 219:22 Arrive Baltimore-Washington International Airport, Maryland > >I guess when Microsoft asks "Where do you want to go today?" that *how* >you get there isn't always important... > >(A subsequent attempt at MapQuest gave the correct figure of 16.5 miles.) > >[Forwarded to Risks by Mark Brader] > >------------------------------ > >Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1999 01:01:24 -0400 (EDT) >From: msbrader(a)interlog.com >Subject: Maybe Microsoft owns stock in Canada? > > This one was posted to rec.humor.d, the followups-to-jokes group, by Bill > Seurer <BillSeurer(a)vnet.ibm.com>. Some misformatting in his posting is > fixed in this copy. --Mark Brader] > >X-no-archive: yes > >Erwin's wife wasn't the only one to get misdirected. I wonder if Microsoft >owns that North Sydney-Argentia Ferry? > >Here is the trip Expedia proposed for a brother of one of my buddies. I >left off the compass directions and mileage parts. Do note that 14 hour >ferry ride, too! > >Summary >> From: Hastings, Minnesota > To: Saint Charles [St. Charles], Minnesota > Driving Distance: 6758.6 miles > Time: 9 day(s) 17 hour(s) 30 minute(s) > > Driving Directions > Time Instruction > 0:00 Depart Hastings, Minnesota > 0:03 Entering Wisconsin > 1:47 At I-94 Exit 88, turn right onto I-94 > 2:41 Go onto I-90 > 4:51 Entering Illinois > 6:40 Entering Indiana > 7:01 At I-80 Exit 16, bear left onto I-94 > 7:29 Entering Michigan > 10:42 At I-94 Exit 204A, turn right onto SR-39 > 10:46 At I-75 Exit 41, turn left onto I-75 > 10:55 At I-75 Exit 47, turn right onto SR-3 > 10:56 Turn right onto W Grand Blvd > 10:57 Entering Ontario > 10:57 Bear left onto S-3 > 11:04 Turn left onto S-2 > 11:06 Bear right onto S-3B > 11:08 Bear left onto S-401 > 18:50 Entering Quï¿½bec > 18:50 Go onto C20 > 19:31 Bear left onto C720 > 19:37 Turn right onto S-134 > 19:40 At Longueuil, turn left onto C20 > 23:39 Bear right onto TC-185 > 24:39 Entering New Brunswick > 24:41 Bear left onto TC-2 > 28:10 Go onto S-695 > 28:20 Turn left onto S-710 > 28:31 Turn left onto TC-2 > 28:35 Turn right onto S-112 > 29:17 At Salisbury, turn left onto S-106 > 29:46 Bear right onto TC-2 > 30:04 Entering Nova Scotia > 30:06 Turn right onto TC-104 > 30:51 At Wentworth Centre, turn left onto S-246 > 31:02 Bear right onto S-256 > 31:42 Turn right onto S-6 > 31:44 At Pictou, bear right onto TC-106 > 31:50 Go onto TC-104 > 32:03 Bear right onto S-4 > 32:05 Go onto TC-104 > 32:08 Go onto S-4 > 32:14 Bear left onto TC-104 > 32:19 Bear left onto S-4 > 32:28 Bear left onto TC-104 > 33:01 At Mulgrave [Port Mulgrave], go onto TC-105 > 34:23 At Sydney Mines [Sidney Mines], bear left onto S-223 > 34:27 At North Sydney, turn left onto Local road(s) > 34:29 Take the North Sydney-Argentia Ferry *CHECK TIMETABLE* > 48:40 Take the Local road(s) > 48:41 Entering Newfoundland > 48:44 At Freshwater, go onto S-100 > 49:14 Bear right onto TC-1 > 49:41 Bear right onto S-13 > 49:54 At Bay Bulls, turn right onto S-10 > 50:43 Turn left onto Local road(s) (SE 4543.1 miles) > 233:30 Arrive Saint Charles [St. Charles], Minnesota > >Bill Seurer, Compiler Development, IBM Rochester, MN >Bill_Seurer AT us.ibm.com Bill AT seurer.net http://www.seurer.net/ > >------------------------------

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RE: Darwin Awards Newsletter July 1999 (fwd)
by Olle Larsson 08 Oct '99

08 Oct '99

The chuckle in all of this is that the bans are for real. This morning, they said on the news that BP Amoco is banning the use of cell phones on all their gas stations. /Olle > -----Original Message----- > From: Gordon D. Pusch [mailto:[email protected]] > Sent: Friday, October 08, 1999 11:31 AM > To: larsson(a)mcs.anl.gov > Cc: chuckles(a)mcs.anl.gov > Subject: Re: Darwin Awards Newsletter July 1999 (fwd) > > > A while ago, Olle Larson forwarded a report on a ban against using > cellphones at gas-pumps due to an alleged explosion risk, commenting > that it might perhaps be an urban legend. I have just found an article > showing that this report was indeed a hoax: > > > <http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/1 999/08/28/MN36764.DTL> Incidentally, there is also no hard evidence that cellphones can influence airplane electronics, and two independent tests by Boeing and the European Airbus Consortium, along with an FAA study found no risk, <http://www.independent.co.uk/atp/INDEPENDENT/NEWS/P12S3.html> However, the CAA still bans their use, based entirely on anecdotal reports. The article points out, however, that the continued ban results in handsome profits to the airlines from their slice of the fees for those expensive, pre-installed ``Airphones'' most planes now have... So (like most things Internet), Caveat Rerior !!! -- Gordon D. Pusch <pusch(a)mcs.anl.gov>

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Ah, wedded bliss
by Craig Stacey 08 Oct '99

08 Oct '99

[Told to me over the phone by a salesman] This couple is having dinner at a posh country club. Near the end of the meal, this stunning young woman walks by their table, leans over to the man, kisses him on the cheek and says "I'll see you later tonight." After she leaves, his wife is almost speechless. "Who was that?!" "Oh, her?" he replies sheepishly, "She's my mistress." "Your mistress! Why, the sheer audacity! I won't stand for this! I'm getting a divorce." "I understand dear. That's your decision and I certainly grant you're entitled. But, just remember... if we divorce, there's no more winters in the Caribbean, no more Lexus in the driveway, no more fur coats and no more dinners and fine restaurants and country clubs like this one." Just then, a mutual friend of the couple walks in the door with a pretty young woman on his arm. "Who's that with Tom?" asks the wife. "She's his mistress," replies the husband. She ponders a moment, then replies, "Ours is prettier." -- Craig Stacey The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. That and the thought of "Showgirls, Part Two." (Jennifer Ritzinger)

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