April 1999 - Chuckles - mailman3.cels.anl.gov

Fwd:
by John-Paul Navarro 30 Apr '99

30 Apr '99

>"No gates, no windows, ... it's open!"

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None
by Rajeev Thakur 30 Apr '99

30 Apr '99

The HiPC conference this year (whose program committee I am on) has received a submission that has six copies of the postscript file of the paper in one email. That's because the call for papers asked for six hard copies of the paper :-). Rajeev

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fortune cookie: something to think about...
by Olle Larsson 30 Apr '99

30 Apr '99

"It's easier said than done." ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than done".

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FW: marriage
by Janet Sayre 29 Apr '99

29 Apr '99

> Kids' Real Answers About Marriage > > HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? > > "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like > sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep > the > chips and dip coming." > - Alan, age 10 > > "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to > marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later > who > you're > stuck with." > - Kirsten, age 10 > > WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? > > "Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by > then." > - Camille, age 10 > > HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? > > "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." > - Eddie, age 6 > > "You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at > the same kids." > - Derrick, age 8 > > WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? > > "Both don't want no more kids." > - Lori, age 8 > > WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? > > "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know > each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." > > - Lynnette, age 8 > > "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually > gets them interested enough to go for a second date." > - Martin, age 10 > > WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? > > "I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the > newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." > - Craig, age 9 > > WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? > > "When they're rich." > - Pam, age 7 > > "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with > > that." > - Curt, age 7 > > "The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry > them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." > - Howard, age 8 > > IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? > "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need > someone > to clean up after them." > - Anita, age 9 > > HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? > > "There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" > - Kelvin, age 8 > > HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? > > "If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy > clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds > on > it." > - Lori, age 8 > > "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." > > - Ricky, age 10 >

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The Y2K ballade
by Olle Larsson 29 Apr '99

29 Apr '99

(sing to the tune of "Gilligan's Island" -- don't get caught singing aloud in your office though...) Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale Of the doom that is our fate. That started when programmers used Two digits for a date Two digits for a date RAM memory was smaller then; Hard drives were tiny, too. "Four digits are extravagant, So let's get by with two. So let's get by with two." "This works through 1999," The programmers did say. "Unless we write new code by then The data goes away. The data goes away." But management had not a clue; "It works fine now, you bet! Rewriting code cost money, We won't do it just yet. We won't do it just yet." Now when 2000 rolls around It all goes straight to hell, For zero's less then ninety-nine, As anyone can tell. As anyone can tell. The mail won't bring your pension check; It won't be sent to you When you're no longer sixty-eight But minus thirty-two. But minus thirty-two. The problems we're about to face Are frightening, for sure. And reading every line of code's The only certain cure. The only certain cure [[ key change, the big finish coming]] There's not much time, there's too much code, And COBOL-coders, few. When the century is finished, We may be finished, too. We may be finished, too.

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Fwd: FW: Kids & Prayer]
by Lisa Childers 28 Apr '99

28 Apr '99

<forwards removed> >One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the >morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of >order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the >little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before >reaching the the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, >"Pray for me! Pray for me!"

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Whiskey (fwd)
by Justin Binns 28 Apr '99

28 Apr '99

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

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Fw: Mental Health Pointers
by John-Paul Navarro 27 Apr '99

27 Apr '99

> HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE... > > 1. Put your waste basket on your desk and label it 'IN'. > > 2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) > > 3. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. > For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.' > > 4. Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza,doughnuts, etc., in > the breakroom. When people complain that there was nothing there, > lean, back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster > than that." > > 5. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. > > 6. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a > parakeet. > > 7. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. > > 8. Insist that your e-mail address be: > mailto:[email protected] > > 9. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries > with that. > > 10.Suggest that the Coke machine be filled with beer. > > 11.Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. > > 12.Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has > gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. > > 13.In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'. > > 14.When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's > windshield wipers running during all weather conditions > to keep 'em tuned up. > > 15.Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think." > > 16. Practice making fax and modem noises. > > 17. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights > up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it > that way. > > 18. Don't use any punctuation > > 19. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. > > 20. Ask people what sex they are. > > 21. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at > passing cars to see if they slow down. > > 22. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'. > > 23. Honk and wave at strangers. > > 24. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, then eat the complimentary > mints by the cash register. > > 25. Go around saying "What? Never mind. It's gone now." > > 26. Sing along at the opera. > > 27. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their > party because you're not in the mood. > > And the final way to annoy people: > > 28. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they > sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

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from www.cnn.com
by Rajeev Thakur 25 Apr '99

25 Apr '99

Airline passengers mistakenly told plane would crash ---------------------------------------------------- April 25, 1999 Web posted at: 7:52 PM EDT (2352 GMT) LONDON (AP) -- Some shaken passengers on a London-bound British Airways jet needed medical attention after they were mistakenly told that the plane was about to crash into the sea, the airline said Sunday. The recorded message was inadvertently played aboard the Boeing 747 three hours after it took off from San Francisco Friday night, said BA spokeswoman Laura Devere. The plane landed safely at London's Heathrow Airport at about 1100 GMT on Saturday. The 10-15 second announcement advised passengers that the plane was about to go down in water and told them what precautions to take, Devere said. Flight crew immediately recognized the error and set about trying to calm everyone down, she said. "Several passengers were distressed, and our crew called for the assistance of a doctor who was on board," Devere said. Devere said it had not been determined why the message was played, but it was likely a human error. An investigation is under way. BA apologized to the passengers. Passenger Lloyd Pople, from Reading, England, said passengers were "in a state of shock." "To be told you're about to die is not a pleasant experience," he said. "Everyone looked up for a stewardess, but they looked shocked. Then everyone turned to their neighbor as the full horror of the announcement sank in."

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the importance of knowing what you're talking about...
by Olle Larsson 23 Apr '99

23 Apr '99

"Nuclear powered vacuuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years." Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation, manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York Times, June 10, 1955.

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