August 2000 - Chuckles - mailman3.cels.anl.gov

Pasta Theory of Software
by Kristopher R. Buschelman 31 Aug '00

31 Aug '00

Spaghetti Code Letter to the Editor CROSSTALK, Journal of Defense Software Engineering The mention of "a feast of spaghetti code" ("Computer Collectives", CrossTalk, April/May 1992) prompted this response: Nearly every software professional has heard the term spaghetti code as a pejorative description for complicated, difficult to understand, and impossible to maintain, software. However, many people may not know the other two elements of the complete Pasta Theory of Software. Lasagna code is used to describe software that has a simple, understandable, and layered structure. Lasagna code, although structured, is unfortunately monolithic and not easy to modify. An attempt to change one layer conceptually simple, is often very difficult in actual practice. The ideal software structure is one having components that are small and loosely coupled; this ideal structure is called ravioli code. In ravioli code, each of the components, or objects, is a package containing some meat or other nourishment for the system; any component can be modified or replaced without significantly affecting other components. We need to go beyond the condemnation of spaghetti code to the active encouragement of ravioli code. Raymond J. Rubey SoftTech, Inc.

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Public Service Message for Women
by Tom Morgan 24 Aug '00

24 Aug '00

------- Forwarded Message Public Service Message for Women This is a Public Service Message for Women, to better understand the Male animal. Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer. Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue. Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator). Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going? Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't. Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom, too! Because I'm a man, I am capable of announcing, "One more beer and I really have to go", and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. Like, what's the connection? Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. Because I'm a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating. Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 00's, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest. ================================================== From: MarthaL(a)california.com (8/22/00) From: Twisted Humor (8/16/00) What is a man's idea of doing housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum. What is the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home. ================================================== HOW DO I SUBSCRIBE? Just send a message to MarthaL(a)california.com saying SUBSCRIBE FUNNIES and giving your name. HOW DO I UNSUBSCRIBE? ditto -- but say UNSUBSCRIBE FUNNIES and give your name. Nota bene: If you find you are getting annoyed at the jokes, unsubscribe before you get mad at me. WHERE DO I SEND JOKES? MarthaL(a)california.com but send the funny LEGAL STUFF: With extremely rare exceptions, I am merely passing jokes on, and do not claim any copyright whatsoever. Where I know it, I try to give the joke�s ancestry. Enjoy these in the spirit of fun. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------- End of Forwarded Message

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Proverbs for the Year 2000
by Gene Rackow 23 Aug '00

23 Aug '00

I don't have the original source of these. I wish I did. ======================================================================== Everything must be upgraded it seems, so here are some Proverbs for the Year 2000 1. Home is where you hang your @. 2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can't teach an old mouse new clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. C:\ is the root of all directories. 8. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. 9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish. 10. The modem is the message. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. There's no place like - http://www.home.com <http://www.home.com 14. Don't byte off more than you can view. 15. Fax is stranger than fiction. 16. What boots up must crash down. 17. Windows will never cease. 18. Virtual reality is its own reward. 19. Modulation in all things. 20. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for months!

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Fwd: God Has a Sense of Humor
by Judy Beumer 16 Aug '00

16 Aug '00

> > >Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized >up by God... > > >"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send >you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting >a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that >ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your >case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" > > >Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" > > >God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help >you make a decision. > > >"Fine, but where should I go first?" > > >God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." > > >Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a >beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of >beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and >frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. >Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I >REALLY want to see Heaven!" > > >"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, >with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as >enticing as Hell. > > >Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I >prefer Hell" he told God. > > >"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two >weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he >was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a >wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned >and tortured by demons. > > >"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. > > >Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is >awful, >this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened >to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in >the water?" > > >God says, "That was the screen saver". > >

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13-Year-Old 'r00ts' Popular Polynomial
by John S Costello 15 Aug '00

15 Aug '00

This is from a page at segfault.org that was linked to in Bruce Schneier's most recent crypto-gram. ----------------------------------------- Welcome to Segfault.org 13-Year-Old 'r00ts' Popular Polynomial The well-known polynomial x^2+8x+6 was defaced today by a teenager who had "r00ted" the beloved function of one variable through the use of a popular script known as "QuAd 3QaZh0n". The attack set off the usual sequence of events: an initial panic setting off an orgy of media hype reaching a crescendo with an article in the mainstream media, a string of copycat successors, and a meaningless stream of empty promises from vendors who immediately lapsed back into apathy as the incident left the public's short-term memory. Segfault spoke with the culprit, who goes by the name of "2o31js34g", although his real name is Alvin Schumaker. "I did it for the kicks," said the eighth-grade desperado. "Also, it was problem 12 on my algebra homework." Schumaker's admission that he had learned the technique used to crack the equation "in class" led to sweeping reforms at Nathan Hale Middle School, his alma mater. These range from a draconian school uniform policy to periodic cavity searches to Internet filters on library computers so restrictive that they ban the school's own home page. "If these kids would just study their math, we wouldn't have anybody learning these dangerous equation things," said Nathan Hale principal Fred Fractal, previously known for shutting down the wood shop because "those nail things look like weapons." Numerous other tools are avaliable for cracking polynomials exist, such as Fac-t0R. More worrying are tools for "solving" large groups of linear equations at a time; one such program makes reference to a "matrix", obviously an homage to the sci-fi classic. Many such programs are distributed for the TI series of "calculators", tools widely viewed as a security threat in many fields and rings. Disturbingly, such devices are increasingly being made avaliable to high school and college students. Public policy must now answer the question: where is the line to be drawn between useful tool and bloodthirsty weapon of mathematical carnage? Who will answer for the countless linear equations to have undergone Gaussian elimination? Predictably, immediately following the defacement, thousands of polynomial security companies came out of the woodwork to hawk their shoddy products. "Our proprietary polynomials are one hundred percent safe because they have no roots at all," said Len Eir of Rootless.com, a company offering sales and consulting for polynomials such as x^2+4 and x^6+x^2+101. Despite Eir's claims, attacks on such polynomials are not uncommon, although Eir dismissed all such reports as "imaginary". Dave Errential of Integrated Systems stated: "Integration technology makes it easy to add roots to your polynomial. Take 60x^2+264x, for instance. The roots for that polynomial have been posted in a million places on the web. But our proprietary integration technology can turn that into 5x^4+44x^3! I'd like to see someone try and find the roots of that polynomial!" [Try x=0. --Ed.] Research has shown that IS polynomials are vulnerable to several types of attacks, but, again, the vendor has chosen to go after the research, calling it "derivative", rather than investigate the vulnerabilities. "Our polynomials are of a magnitude so high that it would be impossible to find their roots even with the most sophisticated technology," said OrderOfMagnitude.com's Sean Gular. "Our proprietary technology allows us to offer x to the power of one billion, x to the power of one trillion, even x to the power of ten gazillion! No one can crack these polynomials!" [Try x=0. --Ed.] "It's irresponsible to distribute these polynomial-cracking kits," says security expert Bruce Schneier of Counterpane Internet Security. "It's like teaching a baby how to do surface integrals. He doesn't understand the socially responsible way to use this knowledge, so he wreaks havoc." For improved security, Schneier urges all polynomials to be of fourth order or higher, and to change roots at least once every two weeks. Posted on Fri 14 Jul 09:24:53 2000 PDT Written by Leonard Richardson <leonardr(a)segfault.org> copyright � 1998,1999,2000 editor(a)segfault.org

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Fwd: Quote of the day
by Randy Hudson 14 Aug '00

14 Aug '00

>Date: Sat, 12 Aug 2000 10:50:01 -0600 (MDT) >From: qotd-request(a)geomatics.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day) > >"Eight farmers in the town of Nemaha, Iowa (population 112), have taught > themselves to perform various square-dancing routines (do-si- do's, > promenades, etc.) while seated on, precisely maneuvering, their > tractors, according to a June San Francisco Chronicle dispatch from the > heartland. However, an apparent problem for the farmers is that all are > males, while square-dancing is a couples activity. Thus, four of the > dancers operate their tractors while in calico skirts, under the > apparent belief that cross-dressing is more acceptable than having an > overtly same-sex dance partner." > > - Chuck Shepherd's News of the Weird (.651), > http://www.torstar.com/uclick/weirdnewsframe.html > > Submitted by: Kevin Johnsrude > Aug. 2, 2000 Randy. Randy Hudson hudson(a)mcs.anl.gov Web coordinates http://www.mcs.anl.gov/~hudson Argonne National Lab vox[mail]...630.252.8690 fax...630.252.5986

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To all staff
by Tom Morgan 10 Aug '00

10 Aug '00

I don't know the origin of this. I came to me via a very strange source totally unrelated -- my wife! --Tom ------- Forwarded Message [snip junk] To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy Dear staff members: Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Republican Congress to our minor difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to tighten up just a bit. Effective Monday: 1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you, but it's a sad sign of the times. 2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code will be reversed. Please don't tell anybody. 3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is . . . ."The stickers will be available at the front desk. 4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no longer be hyper linked via the Internet to such Web sites as www.moammar.com, www.swedechicks.com, or www.hackers-r-us.com. Links to all Disney sites will be maintained, however. 5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls. 6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has promised to "keep un eye on zem" for us. 7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend projects around the house." That includes you parents who are helping the kids with their science fair projects. 8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for "recreational use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you posted. 9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during working hours. 10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in late. I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many of you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national secrets that have been entrusted to our care. Remember: Security isn't a part-time job-it's an imperative, all 37 1/2 hours of the week! Sincerely, Bill ------- End of Forwarded Message

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Girls
by Randy Hudson 04 Aug '00

04 Aug '00

>Date: Fri, 4 Aug 2000 10:50:01 -0600 (MDT) >From: qotd-request(a)geomatics.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day) >To: qotd(a)ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list) >Subject: Quote of the day > >"When I was in college, there were certain words you couldn't say in front > of a girl. Now you can say them, but you can't say 'girl.'" > > - Tom Lehrer, '50-'60s satirist and humorist, quoted in the New York > Times, Arts and Leisure section (July 16, 2000), 21, 23: > > Submitted by: cfrank > Jul. 31, 2000 > -------------------------------------------------------------- > Send quotation submissions to qotd(a)ensu.ucalgary.ca > Send list changes or requests to qotd-request(a)ensu.ucalgary.ca Randy. Randy Hudson hudson(a)mcs.anl.gov Web coordinates http://www.mcs.anl.gov/~hudson Argonne National Lab vox[mail]...630.252.8690 fax...630.252.5986

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Getting to the point
by Ray Loy 04 Aug '00

04 Aug '00

------- Forwarded Message > This little tidbit contains all you really need to know about government > and bureaucracy : > > Pythagorean theorem: 24 words. > The Lord's prayer: 66 words. > Archimedes' Principle: 67 words. > The 10 Commandments: 179 words. > The Gettysburg address: 286 words. > The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words. > The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words ------- End of Forwarded Message

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