April 1999 - Chuckles - mailman3.cels.anl.gov

FW: First Grade Wisdom (fwd)
by Justin Binns 14 Apr '99

14 Apr '99

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave the children in his class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with: Better to be safe than..............punch a 5th grader Strike while the.................bug is close. It's always darkest before...............daylight savings time Never underestimate the power of............termites. You can lead a horse to water but ...........how? Don't bite the hand that.............looks dirty. No news is...................impossible. A miss is as good as a................Mr. You can't teach an old dog................math. If you lie down with dogs, you..............will stink in the morning. Love all, trust................me. The pen is mightier than...............the pigs. An idle mind is..............the best way to relax. Where there is smoke, there's.............pollution. Happy is the bride who..............gets all the presents. A penny saved is...............not much. Two is company, three's..............the Musketeers. None are so blind as...........Helen Keller. Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded. If at first you don't succeed..........get new batteries. You get out of something what you...........see pictured on the box. When the blind lead the blind.............get out of the way. There is no fool like............Aunt Edie. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and........you have to blow your nose.

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kind of funny/clever ...
by Nicholas T. Karonis 14 Apr '99

14 Apr '99

------- Forwarded Message > > -----Original Message----- > > From: Johnson, Scott T > > Sent: Tuesday, April 06, 1999 10:59 AM > > To: Maaske, Beth > > Subject: Tech Support > > > > This is kinda a guy joke, but I thought you might like it. > > > > Dear Tech Support: > > Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the > > new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space > > and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the > > product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other > > programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all > > other system activity. > > Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, > > crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 > > from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but > > un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me? > > - Jonathan Powell > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Dear Jonathan Powell- > > This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to > > a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to wife > > 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" > > program. > > > > Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run > > everything. WARNING: DO NOT TRY TO un-install, delete, or purge the > > program > > from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be > > disastrous. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive. > > > > Trying to un-install or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system > > resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not > > designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 > > but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your > > manual > > > > under Warnings- Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend > > 1.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 > > detects Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a > > non-recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download similar > > products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become > > infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with > > the > > situation. > > > > Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the > > entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume > > all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best > > course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as > > soon > > as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame > > for > > all GPFs. > > > > Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance. > > Suggestions > > for improved operation of Wife 1.0: Monthly use utilities > > such as TLC and FTD - Frequently use Communicator 5.0 > > ------- End of Forwarded Message

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The Bet
by Olle Larsson 12 Apr '99

12 Apr '99

<www.joke-of-the.day.com> There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: "I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could right between his legs. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching himself and howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now its my turn to kick you." The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."

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Another Darwin Award entrant
by David Gunter 12 Apr '99

12 Apr '99

>From this morning's Reuters headlines comes this article about a 55-year old man who accidentally hanged himself while trying to break into (of all aptly named places) the Dum Dum Boutique. Hey, if you build it - they will come. The article is at http://dailynews.yahoo.com/headlines/od/story.html?s=v/nm/19990412/od/dumb_1 .html It'd be interesting to know what services Dum Dum provides, but I couldn't find any info about them. -david -- David Gunter www.mcs.anl.gov/~gunter ------------------------------------------------------------- To "be" means to be related. -- Alfred Korzybski

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The rescuer (fwd)
by Justin Binns 12 Apr '99

12 Apr '99

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry." ~~~~

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"You got a..." (fwd)
by Justin Binns 12 Apr '99

12 Apr '99

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!" The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone." The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator." The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!" The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!" Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly. The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower for that??"

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Al Gore's "Open Source" campaign web-site
by Andrew Nelson 08 Apr '99

08 Apr '99

I initially read about this in an article at msnbc.com. It appears that Al Gore has grabbed another buzz-word for himself, "Open Source", which I just think is hilarious. http://www.algore2000.com/getinvolved/index.html You'll find his claim halfway down the page. http://www.msnbc.com/news/257177.asp For the article on Gore's web-site. Enjoy!

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SOME THOUGHTS...
by Remy Evard 07 Apr '99

07 Apr '99

I'm sure these should be credited to someone. But I have no idea who. -r'm >>> 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. >>> > >>> >2. A day without sunshine is like, night. >>> > >>> >3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. >>> > >>> >4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. >>> > >>> >5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. >>> > >>> >6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. >>> > >>> >7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. >>> > >>> >8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say >>> > will be misquoted, then used against you. >>> > >>> >9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without >>> > sponges. >>> > >>> >10. Honk if you love peace and quiet. >>> > >>> >11. Remember half the people you know are below average. >>> > >>> >12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular >>> > it remains? >>> > >>> >13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool. >>> > >>> >14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. >>> > >>> >15. He who laughs last thinks slowest. >>> > >>> >16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. >>> > >>> >17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet >>> > engines. >>> > >>> >18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse >>> > gets the cheese. >>> > >>> >19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. >>> > >>> >20. I intend to live forever - so far so good. >>> > >>> >21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it >>> > back. >>> > >>> >22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her >>> > friends? >>> > >>> >23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 >>> > states. >>> > >>> >24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. >>> > >>> >25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. >>> > >>> >26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people >>> > have. >>> > >>> >27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong >>> > lane and going the wrong way. >>> > >>> >28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that >>> > you tried. >>> > >>> >29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of >>> > thinking. >>> > >>> >30. Experience is something you don't get until just after >>> > you need it. >>> > >>> >31. For every action there is an equal and opposite >>> > criticism. >>> > >>> >32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of >>> > check. >>> > >>> >33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. >>> > >>> >34. No one is listening until you make a mistake. >>> > >>> >35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full >>> > view. >>> > >>> >36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is >>> > required on it. >>> > >>> >37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the >>> > softness of the bread. >>> > >>> >38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to >>> > the ability to reach it. >>> > >>> >39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal >>> > from many is research. >>> > >>> >40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise >>> > above your principles. >>> > >>> >41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. >>> > >>> >42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to >>> > drive. >>> > >>> >43. Two wrongs are only the beginning. >>> > >>> >44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no >>> > lifeguard. >>> > >>> >45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to >>> > catch up. >>> > >>> >46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. >>> > >>> >47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines. >>> > >>> >48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade! >>> > >>> >49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow. >>> > >>> >50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it! >>> > >>> >51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of >>> > payments. >>> > >>> >52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand... >>> > >>> >53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye opener. >>> > >>> >54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for >>> > you. >>> > >>> >> > >

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I love SGI...
by Olle Larsson 06 Apr '99

06 Apr '99

> >From the Argonne pthread bug report (#680840): > > The user is attempting to run pthread code with weightless pthreads > (npri -w ./executable). This has the unintended effect of scheduling > the pthread job with an invalid priority (-5: the legal range is 0 > to 20). As a result, a pthread enters an endless loop because it's > never scheduled to be run. > > The fix is not to execute a pthread job as weightless (npri -w). >

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The Ant and the Grasshopper
by Judy Beumer 06 Apr '99

06 Apr '99

The Ant and the Grasshopper > > CLASSIC VERSION > > The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, > building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. > The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances > and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm > and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he > dies out in the cold. > > > > MODERN VERSION > > The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, > building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. > The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances > and plays the summer away. > > Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press > conference and demands to know why the ant should be > allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and > starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures > of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in > his comfortable home with a table filled with food. > > America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be > that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is > allowed to suffer so? Then a representative of the NAAGB > (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline > and charges the ant with "green bias" and makes the case > that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. > > Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, > and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being > Green." Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest > appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell aconcerned > Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the > grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves > by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, > or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's." > Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter > Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the > grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to > make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the > "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act," retroactive to the > beginning of the summer. > > The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number > of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive > taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets > her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation > suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of > federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent > welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between > 1:30 and 3 p.m. when there are no talk shows scheduled. The > ant loses the case. > > The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last > bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, > which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around > him because he doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has > disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper > bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill > Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats > announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America. > > > > ! > ! > ! > > >

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